chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [IP - Chapter 10] So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
1. Prologue - Blissful and Desolate

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description – So, why did Ogata stay Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer – Hikaru no Go doesn't belong to me. We're here because I'm too in love to resist touching it. **

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
by Miyamoto Yui**

**Prologue – Blissful and Desolate**

"You don't have to be so scared of him."

Lifting her left hand over her mouth, Mrs. Touya giggled with gleaming eyes. They were made brighter with the soft afternoon light reflected inside of them.  
"I'm not good with children." I bowed my head a bit in embarrassment, my eyes catching a scratch on the waxed wooden floor.

Everyone had left, but I was still studying with Sensei and taking a break. Out of curiosity, I sat on the veranda where Mrs. Touya held the toddler in her lap, softly patting his tummy with a slow rhythm. It was the most she could do considering how Akira bumped his head on one side of the Go board because he could not stop touching it. Already, he was falling in love with the game and his forehead had a huge band aid right down the middle to prove it.  
Gurgling delightfully with the stones in his hands, she couldn't bear to tear them from his tiny hands. So we both had to watch he wouldn't put them in his mouth.

As soon as he saw me approaching, he looked up and held his chubby hand out to give the two black stones to me. Amused, I peered at the energetic creature whose feet moved up and down. Cooing, he insisted to give them to me.  
I took them, thoughtfully held them for a moment, and gave them back. I reasoned knowing full well Akira couldn't understand my words, "I'm taking a break right now. You take them."  
Letting the stones go, he now wanted to hold the wooden container and give it to me.

That was the first time I ever "talked" with Akira.

Maybe because I had been the first to arrive and the last to leave, Akira got used to me. Everytime he saw me, his eyes would light up. He'd stop whatever he was doing, get up, toddle towards me, and grab my pant leg. Looking up at me with that beaming round face, he'd give me a toothy grin.

I'd wonder why he'd smile for me.

"Good morning, Akira-san."  
"So formal even with a toddler?" Touya-sensei commented one day as his wife ran to the whistling tea kettle in the kitchen. It was the first time he'd seen Akira's and my "morning exchange".

Sensei was carrying a special board with big colored go stones and set it up in front of me. Apparently, Akira had his own custom-made set with the colors of the rainbow and he chose Dad's color and his own. Today he had grabbed for emerald green and cobalt blue.  
Holding him in his lap, they silently placed stones together. Sometimes, Sensei would instruct Akira to put them on certain points on the board.

After that morning, I was allowed to see the end of this exchange once in a while. I was the only one outside of the house who knew about this.

Whenever Akira would clap and crinkle his nose, he'd look up and Sensei would nod his head solemnly. These were the moments he let his guard down and Akira was learning, subconsciously, how to raise his.

A few months later, I walked up the corridor and opened the screen door. Akira was already there. Surprised, I nodded my head. "Good morning, Akira-san."  
He was concentrating hard as he looked up at me until he shouted, "O…ga! Oga! Oga!"  
Bouncing up and down, I took a deep breath as he caught my pant leg and nuzzled his face against it.

I blinked my eyes as I reached down to touch the top of his head. I didn't know what to answer to this sweetness. It had been so long since any brush of tenderness moved me that I had forgotten what it was like.  
All I could say was, "Thank you."

"You really like Ogata-san, don't you, Akira?"  
My head shot up to look at the end of the corridor. He'd been watching us this whole time.

"Ogata-kun must like you too even though he acts gruff," Sensei said as he walked over to pick up Akira and hold him in his arms.  
The slightly playful tone in his voice stopped my breathing all together. And the lingering imprint of affection from Akira's fingers slowly vanished.

Gently, he smoothed out Akira's hair and finally looked at me. "Don't you know you've been smiling this whole time, Ogata-kun?"

Looking at me straight in the eye as if he could see right through me, I was stunned by him all over again. I gulped while feeling the borders inside my chest harden, closing the little that had softened over with scabs.

How many times must this person make me feel blissful and desolate at the same time?

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**5/11/2019 12:10:17 PM – Los Angeles**  
**5/12/2019 4:10:17 AM - Tokyo**


	2. Ch 1 - Staring through the window

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description – So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 1 – Staring through the window**

This stunning memory boils alongside the muggy humidity within the air.

Always simmering at the surface of my thoughts, it's as if I'm constantly anticipating for it to come. And then when it does, it scalds me unexpectedly. This year I find myself in Tokyo Station meshed in between people's crosshatched paths leading to their respective trains.  
Standing behind the yellow lines, I wait for the Shinkansen doors to open for me to board. For a few seconds, motionless in the chaos, a gentle breeze flows through the station. A moment of tranquility passes through me, watching life go by as a bystander but still absorbed within it.

The center of this peace mixes the sweltering heat, the delight within Akira's tickled smile, and the anxiety of his father's subtle teasing.

It doesn't matter where I am or whatever point I am in life because every single damn time the weather is like this, I am instantly back in that corridor once more. Its bittersweetness so thick, I could taste it in the air. With it, all those tiny festering wounds reopen from every corner of my mind the longer I dwell there.

_/Sensei's looking at me as I lower myself so that Akira and I are at eye-level. Knowing full well that I'm blushing, I reply as Akira and I watch one another, "I guess I can't help it."_

_A little part of me strangles itself, then fades away._

_I stop my index finger from caressing his baby cheeks softly even though he is still reaching out to touch my face with all his might that even his toes curl. His father continues to observe us, but I'm too disconcerted to meet his gaze again./_

The jolt of the doors opening makes me flinch back into the present. I've missed the train announcement altogether.

I step into the train, but my mind tries to push those remnants away so that my eyes can focus on searching for my seat by the window. It is the same as always: Car 12, Seat 14A. Stopping at my row, I put my rollaway into the overhead compartment, but as I do so, the train moves before I'm ready for this trip.

Settling into my seat, I take out my light green tickets as one of the staff comes around to stamp it. Before putting it back into my jacket pocket, I glance at the arrival time: 13:07. It will take six hours and thirty-seven minutes to reach my destination.

Approximately twenty-seven hours and twenty-three minutes before our match.

I put them back into my pocket and stare out as stations pass in linear blurs, outlines leaving imprints before my eyes can capture them. Crowds of excited children in school uniforms and exhausted adults in business attire stand on elevated platforms. Hundreds of signs of businesses, each on a different floor in a single building, welcome the new day in singular tones. But the whirr of cement and commotion within Tokyo's embrace soon opens into Kanagawa like a breath of fresh air. Trees, hills, and wide driving roads run along my window and I begin to relax just a little.

_/"Play with me one last time."  
"__Aren't you feeling a little fatalistic lately, Sensei?" I jest while placing his marks into my mental kifu, ready to write them later on as I always did._

_But where is this coming from? I shouldn't be surprised though. For the past few years since that internet battle with Sai, he'd become more and more impulsive._

_"__Did you think I'd live forever, Ogata-kun?" He questioned back while sealing the lid of the white go stone container.  
Again, I found him watching me attentively.  
Dismissing the remark, I nodded, "Of course. You're you."  
"__Saying that with a straight face? Naru hodo..." I could hear the hint of a smirk in his voice though.  
I didn't think he'd react so I handed the black container back slightly pouting in an almost disgustingly childish way. He'd caught me again. _

_How translucent do I really appear to this man?/_

Comfortably leaning to my left, the window brims with the heat of the morning sun despite the rapid velocity. The outline of houses soon gives way to a seemingly endless expanse of glittering blue waving back at me. It didn't matter how many times I'd passed through, this would ultimately be my favorite part of any domestic trip…

…way before airplanes and exhibition trips abroad,  
before the bubble period changed the sky and ocean lines with all its "modern constructions",  
before the times when I would accompany him as a student,  
before when I'd chase him all over the nation as a spectator,

before I was within his periscope of opponents,  
before I existed within his eyes.

Even now, deep inside, I am still the teenager staring through the window at you.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

_/On the way to my house, while passing over a stone bridge and walking down a busy street, I'd stopped at a traffic light. Across the street, I blinked as a young man was walking through the crowd with a book in his hands.  
I only noticed him because he was wearing a navy-colored kimono with vertical lines running through it but randomly, as if the fabric caught slivers of white rain streaming onto a dark blue glass pane. He glided through the crowd of people, never breaking his stride in his geta._

_When the light changed, I found myself standing there, caught out of my trance when someone shoved me trying to get to the subway. Quickly, I ran across the street before the light changed to red, and turned in the complete opposite of where I should have gone. _

_Walking parallel with his steps (and it was easy since he was tall), he went into a café, but sat outside of it. I quickly looked at where I was standing and was lucky it was a fast food burger shop so I sat right at the window.  
By the time I'd caught up to him, he'd probably ordered as well. Sitting so rigidly straight up, I found myself chuckling in amusement until he put the book down and sat on the other side of the table, scribbling something into a notebook. _

_What the hell was he doing? Why didn't he care that people were giving him strange or admiring glances? Why was he doing this in public?_

_Back and forth, he wrote away and I soon forgot about eating, totally absorbed by his presence. I got up and threw all of it away. _

_I had to get closer…_

_Trying to make it look natural, I "casually passed by" to catch a small glimpse of his chiseled profile. Ignoring the world around him, he was enwrapped within his own universe. Smiling so contentedly, he was happy all by himself._

_Holding my right hand over my left one tightly, I gulped and ran away as fast as I could. I kept on holding my hands in closed fists, fingernails pushing through my palms while thinking,_

_"I want to touch him."/_

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**Author's note: **This fic came up as a little idea for something entirely different last year. Then, in April of this year, it kept on tugging at me. I wrote and wrote pages already in my notebook but have yet to convert all my notes into any comprehensible format.

But still, even with a very busy schedule, it persisted to pull at my heart. I'd been editing like crazy to get the tone right, something I never do. There is a special feeling inside of me but I have yet to discover why it wants to be written, pushing other ones I'd written already (and need to be edited) to the wayside.

I hope you'll enjoy this with me though I think it is unwrapping in a way I hadn't planned on and it's only the second chapter…

Love,  
Yui

6/29/2019 12:10 AM – Los Angeles  
6/29/2019 4:10 PM – Tokyo


	3. Ch 2 - Maybe this was what it was like

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description – So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer – Hikaru no Go belongs to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi. We are here because of my obsession over their manga. **

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 2 – Maybe this was what it was like?**

_/As soon as I got home that evening, I rushed up the stairs, closed the door to my bedroom and threw my backpack to the ground. I didn't even bother to take off my gakuran even though my uniform was sticking to my back from all that running. Kneeling to the ground in front of my dresser, I pulled out the black leather cord that was always hanging around my neck.  
I pushed the key at the end of it into the locked middle drawer. Inside of it, there was a black metal box attached inside and so I unhinged it and sat in the middle of my room cross-legged. Unlocking this as well, there was a mini crate inside. I took a long deep breath as I carefully reached in and unpeeled the mesh around it. _

_Holding up the cup under the lamp light, I now felt somewhat comforted. It was actually not a cup, but more like a mini vase with the tips spreading out, the ends of hardened paintbrush bristles stopped in mid-stroke circling at the top. Its clay body until its base was enveloped into smooth, winding rope patterns which identified that this was a genuine Jomon period item. It was millions of yen worth, but it didn't matter to thirteen-year-old me._

_This old cup was my treasure, the only gift given to me from the heart._

_But as I held it in my hands, I trembled in fear. The proof was in the nail marks along each of my palms, throbbing in dull, yet raw pain. _

_What had just happened back there?! Why was I like this?!_

_I stared at the cup in my lap, holding it close to me as I felt my whole body turn into shambles. I didn't quite understand why my body was reacting so adversely to that man. Even if I was quietly sitting in my room, the turmoil inside me was escalating._

_And I had absolutely no idea what to do with it._

_Up until that point, everything swept into my life in dim shadows. I didn't quite know how to deal with everything, but I would find a way to make it work. The more challenging, the more engaged I'd become. But soon, I'd become bored once the puzzle revealed its solution to me. Nothing struck me as entirely interesting or whatever passion was, I had no idea what that was like either. Through a bland life lens, no strong light ever passed my way, so nothing caught my eye._

_Well that was certainly true until today ._

_Now it felt like all those years were finally catching up. The things I pretended to ignore or dismissed came back with a vengeance, now making my heart ache in a way I didn't know it could._

_I didn't know how to deal with this! Feeling the full force from my distress, I choked while holding the cup a little tighter towards me._

_Why him of all people? A complete stranger?!_

_Once the coughing stopped, I held the cup as if it were a delicate bird, my left fingers covering the top and my right hand supporting it from below. Lifting it up, I looked straight at it. _

_"__I wonder if he'll be there tomorrow…"/_

**+/+/+/+/+/**

That would have been fine if I didn't find myself "coincidentally" taking my "alternative" route to my house: Eating at the burger place precisely at the same time every day and getting irrationally irritated when I was forced to sit a few seats away from my usual place, the best vantage point to observe him.

_/A week and a half later, still engulfed by his unforgettable first impression and the school clock couldn't ring fast enough each day, I rushed out only to have one of my friends from the school roof stop me as I was changing from my indoor shoes to my sneakers.  
"Yo Seiji." He held his hand out to stop me from leaving. "You're in love with a girl, aren't you?"  
I took a step forward and turned towards his direction, tilting my head and then shaking it. Scoffing, I answered, "Where'd that come from, Kouichi?"  
"You…" He started to change his shoes too. "…haven't gone to detention for a week and a half."  
"So? There are days I'm not there."  
"Yeah, when you're absent."  
I gave him a non-plussed look as we walked out.  
"And you've been writing in class, but I know as sure as hell those weren't notes."_

_Sighing as we were approaching the school gate, I didn't know if I should say I had to go and then he'd ask more questions or just walk with him until he was satisfied. I looked at the school clock to find five minutes and thirteen seconds had been swept away just like that._

_Nope. _

_Turning to him, I stared him dead in the eyes and put my hands on his shoulders. "New date. I'm late. She's the hottest one yet. Bye." Running faster than an arrow shot in a battlefield, I darted out the gate, leaving my friend speechless by my bluntness. Until that day, I'd never revealed my 'schedule'. _

_It wasn't the date part he'd fuss over./_

**+/+/+/+/+/**

_/So more days passed and Kouichi no longer questioned me. For now, he knew I was working my way around…someone. It was a sufficient answer._

_But there were times like that day, because I'd been late, I'd find myself holding my wrist firmly, not knowing what to do with my anxiousness. Or I'd strain my neck to see him, hoping to test for a better angle and nearly tipping the steel stool. Many near misses almost broke both my neck and the stool._

_Ever since that day though, like clockwork, he'd appear and after a month, now I knew he'd ordered a cup of hot tea (it didn't matter what the season was) with red bean shirotama. I still couldn't figure out what kind of tea though because the nicely designed cups were too opaque./_

And with another month, I continued to deny to myself that I was vaguely interested since, I reasoned to myself, that I needed to know why I reacted to him. It hadn't occurred to me (because I was young) that this obsession had a term: Stalking. If there were standards, I became the poster child (quite literally) with a brand all on my own. I'd even titled my notebook Shibori, just like the indigo dyeing technique from Kyoto. (Yes, Kouichi was right about the notebook but he couldn't ever prove it.)

This man was my target and when I discovered what was special about him, I'd simply stop.  
Needless to say, that did not happen.

_/Unable to bear the intensity, I mistakenly (with youthful stupidity) created a fabulous plan of walking into the café, sitting in a well-positioned area (for I'd strategized from across the street for eight weeks already), and would monitor him from a closer angle. Well, the plan went well in my visualization. _

_I walked in on a Tuesday afternoon because it wouldn't have been that crowded. Usually, people appeared on Thursdays and the weekends, but Mondays and Tuesday afternoon intervals where school was done and a bit before the tides of office people coming for a breather were the most optimal._

_From the outside, the café was rectangular, but it was split in half for seating inside and outside. Facing the street, on the left, the forest green door chimed with a bell at a corner. The outside was divided into five round tables and their deep mocha chairs matching them. They created a star shape, spaced out perfectly for its points. It always amazed me how the sun shone down brightly around this area with the windows lining around these tables and reflected everything so clearly._

_The inside of the café was a whole different jungle.  
When I stepped in, there was a counter to my left side beautifully made of a single, yet thick piece of oak. Shelves showcased dishes and cups from all over the world. To my right, walnut square tables were aligned complete with spindleback chairs. Framed photos of Venice, Frankfurt, and Copenhagen hung behind each table, each printed in the 70's. The owners put captions to show they had visited all these places. _

_A girl finally came up to me and smiled. "How many for today?"  
"One."  
"Would you like indoor or outdoor seating?"  
"Outdoor please."  
When we walked towards the "back", that's when I found out that behind those windows lined up were rows of earthenware from all over our country. I wanted to touch the cute teal cup from Kagoshima. But she'd opened the door before I got a chance to get a closer look. _

_I took a seat at the corner table closest to the windows, but furthest from the street, positioning myself behind his favorite seat. She gave me a menu and left. A few minutes later, she came up to me again and took my order. _

_All the while, I hid behind a book, glancing over the rim until I looked at my watch and lifted up my head to see him enter. Crossing through the rows of windows, I peered over my book. I took a deep breath as he elegantly walked behind the same waitress. The simple jade kimono matched the scenery around him so perfectly._

_When he finally sat in his seat, the first thing I noticed was the line of his neck, and my eyes went down his spine. _

_So confident and solid. Someone so far from myself._

_He was too refined. What young man dressed in kimono casually these days when everyone was into men's magazines and dressed up with that preppy look?  
My imagination ran into its own reality walls and rabbit hole fantasies trying to imagine if he even wore those kinds of things._

_The waitress brought back my coffee complete with the cream brimming at the top flawlessly. Inwardly, I grimaced at the idiocy I'd subjected myself to: Changing at one of the subway bathrooms so that I'd not be obvious in my gakuran. I'd put it in a locker and dressed in a white blouse striped with magenta lines, and dark burgundy loafers. (These were the kinds of clothes my parents forced me to wear and this was the first time I voluntarily wore them and as a disguise.) And I'd walked into this kissaten with its superfine coffee now caressing my tongue like a warm, smooth kiss. _

_Again, that strange feeling took a hold of me. Doubts flooded my mind and drowned me further into myself. Why was I even here? What would happen once I found out his secret hypnotism over me? Did I really need to know? What was the point anyway? What would I accomplish by doing all this?_

_As he got his usual order from the waitress, I watched his profile._

_Why can't I stop myself?_

_I closed my book and stood up to boldly pass by him, but he was so lost in thought that he didn't move an inch nor notice me. I caught sight of the book he'd been reading. It was actually an especially older print with Go records and an expert's handwritten notes on the margins. _

_How'd he get them?/ _

At the time, I didn't know they were kifu, but they didn't seem like the common kind, or at least not the ones let out of special archives. It would be a decade later that I'd found out he'd been given a copy by the Go Institute as a gift for his accomplishments.

_/I was more aware that he was no ordinary person.  
But what would learning about that reveal to someone like me?_

_When I turned the corner, I stopped to look at the brightest sky I'd ever seen, the clouds so puffy, wanting to be embraced by the blue surrounding it. "Igo huh?"  
Glancing back towards his direction, I wondered if all my overflowing thoughts ever reached him. I'd never prayed for anything in my whole life even though I stood in front of shrines looking like I did. _

_Maybe this was what it was like._

_Would life spare me if I followed what my heart already knew? I was most certain it wouldn't./ _

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**Author's note: ** Wow. It seems all these years of research are just gushing through in one go (no pun intended). I don't know why, but I couldn't write a memoir of going to all the prefectures. Instead, whenever I need a place, it floats into my head, I imagine it, and then I write about where I want to be.

The only thing is that before, I could impulsively just get up, buy a ticket, and go whenever I needed a specific detail like in Initial D's Invincible, I could easily go back to Akihabara because I'd imprinted its streets into my mind's eye.

The story is unfolding for me as I keep writing. I don't know what's this mysterious hold, but it's like when I first started writing when I was a teenager and years before posting on the internet. This title isn't mine, but there's enough leeway that I hope I'm creating something exciting and keeping the essence of Hikaru no Go as it has kept the light inside of me all these years.

You have no idea how excited I am whenever I write in my notebook for myself (I have to know what happens!) or give a new chapter to you (I need to share this with you!). I wish I could just dictate from my mind and have the computer type for me because my fingers aren't fast enough to catch what's in my imagination. The translation lag gets to me and there are times I'm frustrated because I'll lose my thought in mid-sentence but it'd had been a great image. Japanese and English words clash inside of me…

And…hahahaha…I never imagined Ogata-sensei as a dork, but I don't know why it fits for his younger self. As I was walking one morning, it clicked in my head how that changed. * smiles *

Love,  
Yui

7/5/2019 11:01 PM – Los Angeles

7/6/2019 3:01 PM – Tokyo


	4. Ch 3 - No doubt about it

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Kouichi is mine, but all of Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei. **

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 3 – No doubt about it.**

_/"Figures. I knew they wouldn't call."  
The living room answering machine wasn't drowning in hostile warnings, the light listless from unuse._

_Being a rich brat, my mother was confounded by my sudden need for more study time; my father, for not receiving any calls from school to interrupt his meetings. I got good grades when I felt like it and with them being school patrons, no one opposed me except with the veneer of punishment called "Detention". I should've been scolded for cutting classes or my midnight convenience store runs, but they just shrugged their shoulders. After all, my existence was an afterthought in theirs._

_Being a perpetual inconvenience, they simply didn't have time for me._

_Kouichi became used to my "appointments" and the others heard about a date or other. My friends were more than astounded, thinking what kind of bombshell tamed me enough that my days of delinquency became playful lies? (The assumption of "woman" was misleadingly helpful in my camouflage even though "hot" was the total truth.)  
By summer school (due to detention and attendance, not grades), of course I passed by the café where he played on my route, but afterwards, I'd head to different libraries to read everything I could about Go. I'd read literature, poetry and memoirs but Go was totally foreign to me. I had no idea how to approach the subject. Over a few weeks, I temporarily gave up on library books (I'd go back a few years later) and needed new ones to footnote on the margins._

_As I scanned the bookstores within the boundaries of the Yamanote Line, I kept imagining what he was holding the first I spotted him. _

_What was he reading anyway? Wasn't there some fetching deep red leather cover or other?_

_Standing in front a wall of beginner play guides, I leafed through one book. My eyes glazed over a page explaining "Atari", but my mind kept wandering._

_Should I attempt to see him again? The first experience already burned me, yet here I was again…_

"_You're an idiot," I mumbled to my reflection the very next day in another unrecognizable outfit suggested by Preppy Chip Chic magazine: Cream slacks with a short-sleeve, teal and ivory rugby shirt complete with white leather shoes.  
In the same seat behind him as last time, my books and Shibori splayed out all over the table. Reading and taking notes almost diligently to a fault, I kept lamenting, wanting to kick myself._

_Why couldn't it have been a woman? At least I could justify-  
My mind scraped itself clean the moment he crossed the street._

_Time temporarily slipped into slow motion, a silent movie playing before my eyes: His short hair flipped in the wind. Stepping a few feet away with only the café's gate between us, he shook his head from side to side, pushing his bangs behind his ear beautifully.  
His yukata, thinner than the kimono, brought out his bodyline and as if knowing this, the wind played around him, having so much fun emphasizing the angles of his body. Seducing without meaning to (the worst kind of flirt if you ask me), he pulled out his handkerchief to wipe the sweat from his forehead all the way down to his neck. _

_My spoon fell into my parfait glass. Instantly, I was jealous of everyone who saw him. _

_Squirming more than ever, I struggled against staring as he sat down. Nor could I hide my gawking or incinerated cheeks even if my life depended on it. Summer suddenly shot itself into my veins instead of just being a passing calendar date marking a season. _

_He dipped his head as he talked with the waitress. From his profile with his eyelid lowered halfway, I knew she'd complimented him._

_But the dizzying euphoria soon gave way to a finishing blow with no reprieve._

_A few minutes later, an equally gorgeous woman appeared in a dark purple, black, and white vertically-lined yukata. Each color with their own thickness gave this simple design its own flair, a mix of Taisho and modern. Even her wooden geta had bells on the bottom, a rarity in itself. Her bun was full of twists and pinned with small seashells.  
_

_I held my breath as both my brain and heart broke in one cleanly executed slice by Fate. _

_Of course he had someone. What made me think I had any chance of becoming special to him?  
I'm a boy. In middle school._

_From flying on clouds for these past few months, the plunge back to reality hit hard. I found myself standing up and gathering my things with quivering hands and my face defaulted to its usual offense: A Cheshire grin. _

_When she started giggling next to him, the invisible thrust dug deeper into my chest._

_That was my cue, wasn't it? _

_He cleared his throat and smiled quietly at her. _

_Give me up. _

_I put everything into my bag as calmly I could, however my smooth exit failed miserably. Tripping on one of the legs, one chair toppled another one down so they both clattered loudly to the ground. Being the gentleman he was, the man stood up to help me as I fumbled. _

_While carefully studying his handsome visage, we both put the chairs back to their original positions. I gulped at being able to finally see the object of my affections up close._

_Damn it, I really..._

_My face was draining itself dry, becoming paler with every passing millisecond between us. _

"_Thank you," I managed to utter, covering my mouth right after._

"_Be careful next time," the deep voice gently replied. He nodded his head and went back to his companion as I somehow made my way to the front counter to pay and escaped before I blinked. _

_Weaving through crowds, I didn't hear a damn thing but my heart pounded itself past my ribcage. Desperately, I just needed to get to the next alleyway and away from people. Clenching my jaws, I turned at the corner and sighed loudly while pushing my back against a cement building. When I blinked, tears spilled down my face._

"_Be careful next time…" his voice repeated in my head._

_But I knew there wouldn't be. He never came back to that café after that./_

**+/+/+/+/+/**

_/I'd never been denied what I've wanted. And it was more than a shock to my system._

_It finally hit me that I had nothing. Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing._

_For the next few days, I stared out the window with my right cheek leaning on my fist out of boredom. As the teacher lectured (yeah, I still went to school because staying at my house was pointless), his buzzing voice made no dent into the void inside my mind. I sighed with Shibori safely tucked into my backpack. I just couldn't tear, throw, or leave the notebook even though it reminded me of him._

_I was really pathetic…_

_Pwshht! Pwshht pwshht pwshhtpwshht!  
_"_What the hell, Kouichi?" I whispered as I turned around. "Stop throwing paper balls at me."  
He pointed at them on the tile floor.  
_"_Che." I rolled my eyes and leaned over to pick up the five pieces of paper on the floor. I read each one: "Let's" "go" "to" "a" "game" "center".  
He really knew how to annoy me.  
_"_Ogata! Seki!" the teacher yelled to shut us up._

_We ended up going to Shinjuku and played by the East exit. He didn't say anything for the first hour of Ping, Galega, Centopede, and Spice Invaders so while putting money into one of the pinball machines, he leaned on the one next to mine. Glancing at me and at the ball flying around, I shook my head. "Stop watching me or play another game."  
_"_She dumped you, didn't she?"  
I didn't say anything, but the wasted ball ran smack down the middle where I couldn't hit it.  
_"_We've been together since kindergarten. And nothing ever fazes you. I know…" He tapped on the glass. "…this chick was the real deal."  
I clicked my tongue as my fingers pressed on the flippers even faster. Three extra balls floated around.  
_"_So what?"  
_"_Are you going to fight to get her back?"  
I gave a wry smile. "Found out she wasn't available."  
My fingers were cramping up from pressing on the buttons too hard.  
_"_Worse than I thought."  
_"_Frankly, I don't care what you 'thought'." _

"_Game over," the machine flashed back at me. _

_Kouichi and I walked down the spiral stairs, but he patted my shoulder on the way down. I stopped one step lower than him so that he couldn't see my expression. "Thanks for noticing, Kou."  
He messed with my hair and I adjusted my glasses._

_We walked down and left before we were asked to since it was almost 6pm and we were under 18. Just as we were about to cross the street back to Shinjuku station, I turned to find a newsflash on Studio Ulta's widescreen. It was him! He was facing an opponent across a Go board with the headline underneath: Youngest Title Holder!_

_I stood there with my mouth gaped open. I'd finally gotten his name: Touya Koyo._

"_Come on, let's go. What are you staring at?" Kouichi asked as his eyes followed my line of vision._

_Whatever it was, the feeling was too stubborn for my own sake and sanity. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes as the crowds walked around us. "I'm going to win against that man one day and then he'll recognize me."  
_"_Seiji?" _

_Determined, I walked to Kinoki Bookstore to buy as many Go books as I could carry./_

At that moment, the shinkansen's scrolling information screen announced about our match. I got up to change trains at Okayama.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

"Most Prestigious Go Player Holds Last Official Match."

I squint while reading the headline one more time. Sensei's picture looks back at me, but it finally hits me how far Go's gone to get the front page of a sports section. Glancing over all the papers on the rack, I buy them all off the newsstand and take my things to stand in line for the Yakumo Express.  
Holding all the other newspapers under my arm, I start reading the article. By the time I sit down in my reserved seat, I realize they are all asking the same question I've been confused over since your invitation:

_Why did you choose _me_ as your last opponent?_

Over and over, they repeated politely why was his final match (in public was what he told me) with me. Even though most of the title holders were invited, they were not the main event. Not even the most anticipated and logical one: Akira, his own son.

I sigh while folding the newspapers and place them in the net in front of me. Crossing my arms, I look down into my lap.

_I still don't know what you're expecting out of me. _

Every game we play is never a continuation of the last. Of course it's a new game, but I yearn and dread it all the same. Even though you act calm, blazes hide inside your fingertips, ready to turn every single move I make into ash. Then, I don't have enough time to be confident of my move because you'll counter it in a heartbeat. Even so, my inner anguish resists being beaten into dirt.

You know all this. That's why you enjoy being several moves ahead of me. There are times I know your eyes are smiling while your fingers cut me over and over in gentle precise strokes…

_/December of the year I first saw him, I rushed from the Institute after my first Insei exam match to Shinjuku. The large screen over the East exit never failed to amaze me with its timing: Touya-san's imploring gaze stared down at me. This time, the scrolling text read, "Go Prodigy Going On First International Tour." Diagonally, I gazed up at the pixelated screen and lifted my head higher, but the lights were blocking the path towards the stars. Lowering my eyes again, I clutched my bag to conquer the Go Salons of this sector./_

When the train passes the city of Kurashiki, I take a nap.

+/+/+/+/+/

Opening my eyes at Matsue, I walk out of the station into the sun raging overhead. The humidity seizes me all over again that by the time I get into the first waiting taxicab on the lane, I'm already wiping my face. The driver takes my rollaway and bag and puts them into the trunk.

"Takeno Ryokan please."

It is at this time that I remember the voicemail. Listening to it as the conglomeration of buildings leads to just green all around, I shake my head. Again, Ashiwara leaves an apologetic message without presenting the matter. I guess I'll find out when I get see in the room.

The taxi stops on the road leading to Izumo Taisha, but there are no other buildings around except for the mountains. Stepping out, Takeno Ryokan takes two whole blocks in its elegance. Leave it to Sensei's aesthetic taste to be grand yet humble paradoxically. I survey the contrast of off-white screens and deeply polished wooden blocks with trees as tall as its two-story blue tiled roof.

After paying, I give a brief glance towards the path that I'd been on decades ago…and for the same person…

_I can't believe I'm here again._

Checking in, the polite receptionist tells me my roommate has already arrived.

I walk up to my room on the second floor and insert my key. When I walk into the suite, the glaring white greets me, my eyes wincing at the sun bouncing off every part of the room. The open balcony shows the mountains around us, shining onto the simple, waxed coffee table with two floor seats opposite each other. The papered walls surrounding the tatami floor lead to another room on my right.  
Lost in thought with the magnitude of splendor in this small space, I enter the bedroom to find Akira's naked shoulders just as he's about to pull on the white hadajuban to cover them. I open my mouth and immediately close it, standing there completely still. My brain goes numb as I hold my breath.  
His head dips gracefully, the sheen of his perfect hair outshining the sun pouring from the open window. Parted in the middle, his necks peeks out as he's tying his nearly transparent hadajuban. The light passing through like a gentle curtain, it marks the outline of his whole body until the hem stops at his naked legs, his thighs perfectly toned.

In the next second of shock, I immediately lose grip of my bag and catch it before its slips from my fingers. Blinking, my immediate response is to leave, but I can't. Nothing is making sense. It doesn't matter that I'm in my 30s, unreasonably, my whole body simmers with my cheeks scorching incorrigibly like a teenager.  
The small string linking my brain to my heart pulls until the threads break.

I look away.

_You've grown up. _

But not for long. Slowly, I turn my head but my eyes have been open the entire time. The very thing I've been avoiding for years finally slaps me across the face. So I let go of my things so that I can hold my shaking right fist, covering it with my left one to make it appear that I've folded my hands in front of me.

_How much longer will I be able to hide it?_

When Akira stands straight up, he finally notices me through the reflection of the mirror in front of him. Leaning his head back a bit in surprise, his eyes widen and exclaims, "Oh!"  
But all the same, he flashes me that magical smile with his teeth showing. The one that instantly transforms my heart into clay.

_No doubt about it: You ignite something I've lost long ago…_

Turning towards me, he warmly greets, "You're finally here, Ogata-sensei."  
Silently, I analyze him for one second longer…

_You make my blood boil._

With experienced ease, I bow my head, always aware not to let my image slip. "Good afternoon, Akira-kun."

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**Author's note:** I know I made Kouichi, but I really like him. XD And finally, Akira makes an appearance! I cannot tell you how long I've wanted to see this scene play out. It was one of the images came to mind while thinking of ideas for this fic, but I had no idea where to place it.

In all seriousness, though it has taken me time to update, I've not forgotten this fic since April. I've been writing constantly and if not, thinking about it since I thought of those images of Akira and Ogata. I was a little stuck and then I went to talk to someone. As always, that person is helpful to say the most meaningful things with the smallest amount of words. I don't know how he does it, but I'm grateful because now the block is gone.

Truth be told, the plunge, digging through the sludge, and soaring through light and dark emotions was difficult.

Love,  
Yui

8/30/2019 11:20 PM – Los Angeles  
8/31/2019 3:20 PM – Tokyo


	5. Ch 4 – The windows of calmness

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata-sensei and Hotta-sensei.**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 4 – The windows of calmness.**

As fast as he'd sparkled before me, the diamond turns into coal once more. Replaced with apprehensive eyes and a worried expression, a flittering sliver grazes my heart like it always does.

_I wonder when did you start giving me that kind of face…Why can't you ever be comfortable with me?  
At times like these, you mirror my younger self. I don't like it._

_Ironically, I don't have that kind of confidence that you'd see _me_ like _that_._

Akira turns around to face the mirror again and holds a dark gray summer kimono with alternating medium and narrow-sized lines, appearing hand-sewn strip by strip. Again, I find myself watching, so I go to pick up my things and bring them towards the closet.  
Opening my luggage, I'm still distracted as I take another glimpse of his face. How he looks the perfect half of his mother's grace and father's sternness. How the kimono itself falls into place, skin smoothly fitting like a glove.  
My gaze touches the ground for a moment and I purse my lips wondering why I have to re-live all those memories now. Walking on shards of glass all these years, I thought I was already numb.

I'm placing one of my burgundy blouses onto a hanger when Akira calls for me. "Ogata-sensei?"  
"Yes?"  
"Would you mind helping me with my obi?" He sighs. "As you can see, Father insisted I wear a kimono instead of the suit I'd packed."

_I wish he hadn't._

With my bags still half full, I cross over again towards him. "What should I do?"  
"Could you," he clears his throat, "hold my hair up?"  
A tint of red appears on the top of his cheeks.  
Slowly and deliberately, he wraps the thin dark magenta obi around his small waist. Once, twice, crossing it over and pulling until it makes a bow. All the while, I hold his hair behind him so that it won't be caught inside the winding, but I don't know exactly where to look.

He shakes his head in disapproval towards the mirror. It's been so long since we've been this close (proximity-wise) to one another that I've forgotten there were days when he used to hug me.

_Ever since that day when we went sakura viewing, you've distanced yourself from me…_

Playing it cool is futile. Each time he'd redo the tying, I'd steal glances at his profile and scoff at my ridiculousness.

_He's only half a head smaller than me, perfectly under my nose. The same kid who used to run away from his parents and hide behind me, holding onto one of my knees for protection._

After five attempts, he sighs, starting to lose patience with himself. His perfectionist nature won't accept anything lopsided. I must have appeared more amused than perturbed because Akira lifts up his eyes, which are now staring straight into mine through the mirror.  
"Hmm?"  
He pouts while reaching back to poke my dimple with his index finger. He always hated to show his less than stellar moments.  
"Stop smirking. I know I'm not good at this."  
I get a brief glimpse of my own reflection.

_You really have no idea that you're the only person who's seen me act this way._

"Haven't you done this all your life?" I transfer his long hair into his hands, giving a light squeeze in between mine. "Especially with Sensei wearing these all the time?"  
"I know, but…" He looks down to the floor, searching for a careful response.

Standing before him with his arms in the air, I peer carefully at the obi. The material was rough, yet well-made. Slowly and quietly, I tried to wrap it from the front, but the orientation is off for me. I've never wrapped it for someone else, so I end up standing behind him again, bent with my arms parallel to his hips. In the quietness, the wind outside makes a low shh shh sound. Akira looks down at my hands as I pull the thin, yet bold colored obi around his slim waist. I take another glance at the mirror to find him watching me, studying my movements.  
I look into his reflection and stop midway. "Is it too tight?"  
"No."  
I make a bow and wind the obi over itself, thinking of the times I'd bothered to learn.  
"You're really good at this, but I've never seen you wear one before."  
Pulling on the hem, I smooth out the back creases. "I forced myself to learn at some point."  
Touching his shoulder so that he could face me, I make sure his appearance is flawless.  
"Why?" He looks into my eyes, but I'm unable to meet his. Lightly, I pat his chest to make sure the front is aligned and smoothed out. "I bought a kimono I never wore."

Avoiding the obvious next question, I interject. "That should do it."

He lets go of his hair and it falls back into place, parting again like silk when he bows his head. "Thank you."  
"You're not even going to bother checking the mirror?" I joke.  
Shaking his head, with smiling eyes, he retorts seriously, "It's good enough if you approve."  
Akira turns around to search for something.

I shake my head when his back's towards me. Then, I resume unpacking my things.

"I hope you're not upset that the rooms were switched." He rummages through his messenger bag with his back towards me.  
"Oh so that's what he was apologizing for in the voicemail." It all clicked now.  
Akira stops, taking out something wrapped in thin paper. "I asked him to."  
With knees bent, he's contemplative, but he soon gets up to put this paper into one of the drawers.  
"That's fine," I coolly say while taking out a white suit to place into the closet.  
"You really…" he sighs as he pushes the drawer in.

_Why does he sound frustrated?_

"What?" I look at him curiously.

The peacefulness suddenly brews into a personal storm. Somehow he seems upset with me. I've learned to read all his moods since he was born.

"Are you also wondering why your father wants to fight against me? Isn't that the reason why you changed rooms?" I put another blouse onto a hanger. "If you want the plain truth, I don't know either."  
The clinking of the metal hook hits the rod. When I look over into his direction once more, his hands are in fists while his head points towards the tatami floor, his profile shadowed by his hair. He slowly gets up. "It is always about Father, huh?"

Trying to make light of the situation only aggravated him. This tone isn't one I'm used to.

"Akira…"  
"Forget it." He waves his hand in and replies quietly, "It's nothing."  
The cloud still hangs over us.  
"I'm going to the shrine and will be right back," he announces, grabbing a small pouch to put in his sleeve.  
"Aren't you going to wait until your father arrives?"  
"Actually," he says with his back towards me before exiting, "I was waiting for you."

Before I can answer, he bows his head politely and leaves. I hear him slip into his geta and the door clicks behind him.

_Nothing ever goes as planned with this boy, I swear…  
_…_and I fall for it every time._

I drop whatever I am doing and rush to put on my shoes to chase after him.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Akira is already in a cab by the time I get outside. The ryokan calls for another cab for me.

As I wait with a cigarette outside, I take a deep breath.

_/I sat in the den reading kifu while placing stones onto a Go board sitting in the center of the room. Contemplating on the best "move", unexpectedly, she opened the front door and that's when I heard, "I am sorry, I think I have the wrong-"  
I immediately got up and stood at the genkan. "Akira-san?"  
Bewildered, Akira stood there dumbfounded, losing color as he bowed there. "I didn't know you…Um, I…" he stammered, turning pink in embarrassment.  
The woman, between us was just as amazed, watching our faces like a tennis match. Was it that fact that I'd rushed out or that the beautiful child wasn't a girl?  
The usual cool maturity he had with all the adults who came to his house had all but vanished.  
_"_I'll be go-" I ran to grab his sleeve as the woman stepped aside, holding out my arm to her that she was still shocked at the force I'd exerted.  
_"_Did you need something?"_

_Did you need me? Why are you here? What happened?_

"_I was in the neighborhood and so I thought I'd drop by to say hi."_

_You live nowhere near this train station._

"_Don't go anywhere. Just stay there. I'll go grab a coat."  
Clutching onto his schoolbag, he nodded. In my room, I thought how I tried to always act calmly and non-plussed, but that immediately shattered in a snap. There was no way I could cover how disconcerted I appeared to both of them._

_It was an unfamiliar territory outside the walls of my mind. Anything remotely "Akira" was a landmine in itself. I'd avoided this very subject for years. Well, that was until he showed up at my door. In a single instant, he'd unwrapped years of hardening. _

_As I passed her in the kitchen, she said nothing.  
_"_I'll be back." She didn't bother to look up as she chopped some carrots. Funny thing was that she never bothered to cook before._

"_So…" I started as we walked out of the complex. "…what happened?"  
He turned to me in exasperation. "You need to help me."  
_"_With what?"  
Without thinking, he grabbed my sleeves. "I never win against Father."  
I blinked my eyes, thinking, "At the rate everyone's going, no one's done that."_

"_Sensei is…himself," I answered.  
_"_Well, I'll do it. And you're going to help me."  
_"_I haven't given consent to aiding you, Akira-san. I'm in the same position."  
__He pouted as he let his hands go.  
_"_Then you won't help me?"  
_"_Wasn't I your rival a few months ago?"  
He nodded with his lip sticking out, contemplating and becoming more adorable the more I poked at his burgeoning pride._

_He stopped walking and looked at the sidewalk. I covered my mouth as a smirk appeared on my face. I cleared my throat.  
I was about to say something when he said, "I hate losing to Father. And I have a big handicap too."_

"_Don't we all…" I trailed off without thinking.  
_"_You have a big one too?"  
I was fortunate that he couldn't connect the dots yet. Soon though, he would and it'd probably still be too early for me.  
_"_A long time ago." I put my hand on his soft hair. I touched the tips when I bent one knee to meet him eye to eye. _

_As I watched him, my mind fast-forwarded to when he'd been born. Was it a coincidence? Okay, maybe not._

"_Why should I help you?"  
His eyes widened as his hands touched my cheeks. Grinning from ear to ear, those baby teeth half gone with gaps. "Because you never say no to me."  
He nodded his head proudly._

_My fingers tingled as I watched his elated face silently._

_For now. Only for now._

_My cel phone rang and vibrated. "Hello?"  
I finally let go of his hair, but he still pushed on my cheeks with his palms even though I was on the phone. His delighted eyes lit up with whatever weird face I had.  
_"_Hello, Ogata-san. Is Akira with you?" His mother asked nervously.  
_"_Yes. He's right here."  
Akira winced as he gave me a "busted" expression as I talked with his mother._

"_I'll bring him to the salon then."  
I stood up with one eye raised as I closed my phone.  
_"_Did you come here without telling anyone?"  
He nodded. "I was going to go to the salon anyway so I thought I'd take you with me."  
_"_And what if I wasn't home?"  
_"_I'd wait 'til you came back."  
I sighed. We were going in circles.  
His eyes began to glisten. "Are you mad at me?"  
_"_No, I am not." _

_I could never be._

"_How'd you find my address anyway?"  
_"_Father passed by once so I remembered how to get here."_

_Without a chance to wonder why, he took my hand and pulled me towards the station. I watched him as he held my hand so warmly, almost laughing as he excitedly half-walked, half-ran with me in tow. _

**+/+/+/+/+/**

He's a quarter up the hill when I'm getting off the cab.

With fastidious grace, I walk behind him. "Akira…"  
He doesn't hear me. Knowing him, he's locked himself away, thinking as he always does.  
I call out again, "Akira."  
The clacking on the stones stop. An older couple passes us, but we still exchange no words.

Slowly, he starts walking again and I know better than to stand beside him. We go to visit the shrine and find a gathering of people at the top while only few were at the bottom of the hill.

Years ago, I took my first trip alone here. When I became an insei, I prayed that I would find a way to meet him and stay beside him somehow. I promised on my one-sided feelings.

_Who would have thought I'd end up here with his son?_

In front of the shrine, while bowing his head, I stood beside him.

_I won't ask for anything for myself this time. Thank you for granting me my wish, even if it came in such a convoluted way…Please just make whatever Akira's praying for come true._

_Let me stay with them as long as I can._

As we head back, his head rises to peer into the cerulean blue and then at me. "You didn't have to come after me."  
Not waiting for any explanation, he continues walking.

_That isn't actually a choice for me. I surrendered that option years ago…_

I stood in my place. "Whether or not you want me to, I always will."  
That certainly got his attention because he starts to put his hand to his mouth, coughing a little.  
"You sound so certain." His profile faces me but he doesn't look at me as I finally walk beside him.  
"When have I ever lied to you?"  
"Adults don't always say the truth though."  
"Are you still mad about finding someone living in my apartment?"  
"I wouldn't hold that against you. I was only a child then."

_She moved out after she saw you. _

When he glanced at me, I knew he had. Or still did.

At the bottom of the hill, even though we took the same taxi back, we rode back in silence.

On a whim, I asked the driver, "Could you please bring us to the Tottori sand dunes?"

+/+/+/+/

Since it's summer, there are crowds of people.

As I'm taking the cab driver's number to call him back later, Akira takes a deep breath, watching everything before us. His resentment at not being able to practice for our matches evaporates the more he turns his head from side to side. There are droves of people walking in every which direction, but they are all trying to get to the top of the highest hill.

"How…?" He peers at his feet.  
"Do you want me to carry you?" I jest.  
"Hmph." He feigns dismissing my remark. "I'll walk on the sand with my tabi. But what about your shoes?"  
"I can always buy another pair."

_It's been years since you came with me anywhere, hasn't it?_

Trudging along, we follow a family with children running towards our right, on an outer edge. When we reach it, we look over the mini cliff and see the sea. The salt more apparent with the wind rushing through, making grooves along the sand. A few people have gone the long trek down to reach the edge of the Japan Sea.  
Without even thinking about it, I don't question Akira as he climbs down to run towards the coast touching the moving waves. It takes a while to get there with one or two switchbacks and trying not to fall into holes along the way. Along the way, we marvel at the people going down the dunes in cardboard boxes.

When we finally get to the cusp where sand meets water, Akira drops his geta and runs towards the ocean. It rushes against his feet and his eyes are twinkling again. The water starts to brush against the hem of his kimono, but his smile gets brighter, fascinated by the whole atmosphere.

Being so serious all the time, it really has been a while since I've seen him this way.

"Magnificent…"  
The scene before me is so absolute I wish I could capture it into my fingertips. These windows of calmness open whenever you are with me. The shards seem dull when you walk before me, forgetting the hurt coming along this path...

_I cannot keep him a child forever. He isn't mine to have. I know that and yet-_

I gulp, but he runs towards me and pulls my wrist to come with him. I don't care as the water seeps into my shoes. I close my eyes as the sun absorbs into my skin.  
His hand grips firmly onto mine with his fingers pushing into my palm. "I don't know how you do it, but you always bring me to beautiful places."

Closing onto his fingers, I hold onto him just as tightly.

_No, that isn't true…  
You're the one who always shows me that magic still exists in this world._

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note:** It took a long while to bring this chapter to life. I kept coming back to it, and then I was uploading older fics so that I would not lose them again. Along the way, I picked up pieces of myself that I remembered and tried to embed them here. It was a good experience to walk down that lane.

But as I analyze Ogata-sensei many years after I'd seen Hikaru no Go and read the manga, I'm beginning to understand him better, or at least more aware of why I like him. As for Akira here, he's usually the perspective I pick, but I realize, you put him against Ogata-sensei, he's completely different than when he's with Hikaru. But do not worry, we will get to Hikaru soon enough. (I still enjoy the Sai and Ogata pairing though!)

Love,  
Yui

12/1/2019 7:17 PM – Los Angeles  
12/2/2019 12:17 PM - Tokyo


	6. Ch 5 - Integrity of skill

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata-sensei and Hotta-sensei.**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 5 – Integrity of skill.**

When I was about to let go, he holds onto me and we walk a bit further, watching the changing skies together. Akira looks up to my profile, but as always, I pretend I don't see it.  
He walks farther into the water. Taking off one tabi at a time, he bends his head, eyes half-closed. He holds onto his tabi but the water is already knee deep, the kimono floating from its lightness.

"You know what?" Akira questions with a stern, thoughful look. Usually, when he asks me things, he blurts out what's on his mind, but recently, he hesitates.  
Now, the same mannerism of his calm, collected father emerges through: The pensive look that charms his opponents before slaughtering them. The exact one he wore when he decisively tapped the Go Board on national television with live coverage when he became Meijin.

As we're staring into the blinding light, waves picturesque in their contained chaos, the cruel summer converges both of their images.

"Yes?" I walk slowly with him, the sky a shining guillotine of vermillion and sapphire blue behind him.

How fate reversed and overlapped but here I am still stuck in between.

Now the water is halfway up his thighs, unashamed but determined. He's too mesmerized by the horizon's beckoning.

"This reminds me of the time when you brought me to the Enoshima Aquarium."  
"You still remember that?"  
"Of course I do. It was the first time you brought me somewhere." He continues to regard the sunset. This time, it is me who stares at his profile…

_/I sat on the bench facing the square glass display window, reaching from floor to ceiling. Akira stood in the middle as people's silhouettes passed back and forth through the intense blue or stood in amazement of it. He pressed his hands further into the transparent surface while watching a stingray glide along with an expression of glee that rivaled the first time he tumbled by himself and giggled ecstatically on his baby blanket in the middle of their living room floor. _

_My first impulse was to walk over and touch the top of his head, but then I thought of how strange it all seemed. I who had been dubbed "Stone King" was the most unlikely to be someone's playmate, let alone a child's. What an anomalous predicament: A young man spending time with their teacher's son. We had yet to become student and pupil, we were not exactly siblings and this was a request (after much cute childish cajoling) from Akira himself. It did not feel like babysitting either because Akira acted like a mini adult.  
I had thought that until we went out that day._

_At that moment, while lost in thought, Akira came back to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. The rims of my glasses pushed against my skin, a little askew. He held me so close, just as I had years ago with my precious cup, as if he couldn't get closer enough.  
_"_What happened?"  
He held on tighter, his hands crunching my starched shirt between the crevices._

_Had I missed something when he was right in front of me?_

"_You look so sad." His voice then became a whisper, "Maybe you didn't want to come after all."_

_Before I knew it, I held the back of his head, soft hair slipping through my fingers. "I could never be unhappy with you around."  
He stepped back, but he held my face in between his hands with smiling eyes. "Really?"  
I nodded my head._

_This much was true./_

When I let go of his hand, I cup my hand on his cheek and really look at him.  
"Ogata…sensei?"

_Surely, this much is true._

Finally, I let him go and turn around to walk back towards the shore.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

In front of a take-out takoyaki stand connected to a seafood restaurant, I call the taxi driver.

We are standing in the middle of the pandemonium of visitors now heading to dinner or their lodgings. Again, we're each having a soundless conversation without moving our lips. Only this time, I avert my eyes while he persistently peers over at me. Nervously, he pushes his hair behind his ear.

Taking out another cigarette, he pushes the box back into my pocket and shakes his head. But I shrug him off and give him a cold look.

_How the hell do you expect me to deal with this?_

_But imperfect as it is, if we could prolong this…  
I'll still accept this vexing happiness._

"You only answer questions that have nothing to do with you, don't you?" he asks with a prideful tone. "I won't be quiet forever."

All these years, we've been going back and forth. You push me for responses to your quandaries and I try my best to tell you without betraying pieces of myself. But this…this tone with his decisiveness is the first time I feel slightly scared, yet excited. The same feeling of exhilaration while playing a match.

The needles in my soul are slowly being pulled and I can feel true pain again, the holes fully visible.  
I smirk while taking a drag of my cigarette.

_But like our first official match together, I still hadn't decided if it was too late or too early. The only true answer was that it was coming._

His phone begins to ring. The mental anesthesia creeps into my brain while that certain pop song plays.  
"Hikaru."  
Akira's demeanor completely changes before me as he paces back and forth with half-closed eyes, a small smile on his lips.

That wonder kid never fails to astonish me.

"No, I'll be back in a few days…what do you mean you're bored? I left you group patterns to study in your notebook." He sighs. "Yes, you have to study it while I'm gone~."  
Shaking his head on the phone, an eyebrow twitches. "I will test you when we get back…Mmm…Mmm-hmm…No, you have to study other kifu besides mine…What do you mean by that?"  
Raising his voice a little, he scolds, "Now go march to the Institute and look at the title matches for Kisei between Father and Fujiwata-sensei in 1983 as well as the Honinbou League for 1994 between Kuwabara-sensei and Ishii-sensei…"

Little by little, I'd been watching him and Shindou-kun and the possessive jealousy I held, gripped onto me even more, but being partly masochistic, I knew I'd thrown him against Shindou's fieriness knowing full well I was the one who would be scorned.

Yet I couldn't help myself.

"And look up Ogata-sensei's match in the 1999 for 7-dan. Moves 61 through 75 are the key points."

_You didn't attend that match. Why would you study that?  
_I rose an eyebrow and pushed my cigarette into an ashtray nearby.

"Yes..." He started to smile softly again. "Okay, see you l-Baka."

He paused and looked around in a mini panic, turning bright red. "Bye."

The cab driver picks us up and we each sit by the windows. And with latent pettiness, I refuse to face his direction on our way back.

Yet again, he's been captured by Shindou. It was not the first time he'd steer his direction away from mine…

**+/+/+/+/+/**

After washing off, Akira was setting up in the middle of the living room with a file of neatly piled papers. Apparently, there'd been more text than clothing or other personal belongings in his bag.

I take a quick shower and come out to find he's spread 5 pages of kifu out on the table. Aligned next to one another, he sits in front of each of them, marking his moves carefully. While wiping my hair with a towel, I come closer towards to him, but do not invade his space.  
He's playing all of them at the same time within turning points of each match. I know because I witnessed each as a spectator. There are title holders: His father, Zama-sensei, and Kuwabara-sensei. The fourth paper is Hikaru's, evidently a recent mock bout they'd played together.

_The last one…is me?_

He rotates among the papers, but I inwardly gasp as I realize he's not pretending to play against them but _is_ them.

_I am watching my past self contend against my current one. It is unbelievable…_

_Was this truly the difference between us? He was absorbing experience exponentially while I felt through mine meticulously and circumspect._

"You only look at me straight when I'm playing," he says once out of his trance.

Leaving his stack behind, I bring him over to the Go board that's been placed by the window while we were gone. The mountains and its forest are serene, and I take a deep breath, gesturing for him to sit directly across me. I bow and open the container of black stones.  
Playing a combination of one-color and Speed Go, I start to replicate a game I enjoyed playing, his eyes widen as he recognizes who I am against.

"Ichiryu-sensei."

I stop at my favorite part and try another one. He squints his eyes and then replies after a few minutes. "Shirakawa-sensei."

Again, I clean the board and run through it even faster, not even trying to hide the snowstorm that consumed me in its wake.

"Father."  
He has his hands in fists now, his knuckles turning white.

I glance into his eyes enigmatically before starting the new one. It is slow-paced. Again, I stop at the most delicious spot and clear the board.  
"Why is this play so strange?"  
I do not respond and begin another round. And then another one, the pace becoming faster with each new game.

"This is so erratic, but you look like you're having so much fun."

And another, and another…  
…until his face is hovering over the board with the tips of his hair brushing against it. I take a deep breath and stop instantly the moment I see two tears drop onto the circular black slates.

"This is me." He pauses and wipes his face with his palm. "These last five plays have been with me."

I place my hands onto my knees and look him straight in the eye. "Akira, I'm not very verbose, but this is the only way I _can_ respond.  
"I love Go because it's the only place where you and I can meet with no restrictions except rank. Age, not even talent can overcome effort and hard work. There is no true status, nor pretenses, just the integrity of skill."

My eyes wander over to the stars shimmering outside. "On this 19 x 19 square, we are equals. So of all the people in this world, you probably know me the best."

He is speechless for a minute, looking at me intensely. A bit taken aback from my honesty, he says, "Besides Father, I've played you the most."  
"1,092 times."  
"Excuse me?"  
"We've played 1,092 times and I counted the ones since you were three. Your father wouldn't let me play with you until then."  
"Why?"  
"Who knows."  
"You really counted?"  
I nodded slowly.

_There's no way I'm going to admit I wrote them all down._

"Why?" He gives me a bemused face and then laughs aloud, embarrassed and touched at the same time.  
"Because you're Akira."

_And I'm not ready to give you up to the world, especially to Shindou Hikaru._

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note:** I wanted to get this in before Akira's birthday on the 14th!  
Writing this chapter was intense. I wanted to put more, but then it would have been too much since I like what happened here. It warmed my heart and I needed something fluffy. I found myself smiling instead of crying while typing this time.  
But the more I type, the deeper I get into Ogata and Akira (also I've been obsessing over this fic even more than before), and I realize what a unique relationship they have as opposed to other pairings I've written for in all the fandoms I've written for.

This is going much longer than I'd anticipated to write, but I'm enjoying the ideas that keep coming to my head as well as exploring the Hikaru no Go characters.

Love, Yui

12/8/2019 8:32 PM – Los Angeles  
12/9/2019 1:32PM – Tokyo


	7. Ch 6 - Because I still need you

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei. **

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 6 – Because I still need you.**

"Father hasn't called for me yet."  
"Is that unusual?"  
"He should have arrived by now. He said he wanted to talk to me before the exhibition."  
"You treat this like an official title match."  
"It doesn't matter what it is." His eyes narrowed. "I don't want _him_ to catch up just yet."  
I cover my mouth, enticed by the vicious side of his competitive nature. I stop myself from licking my lips. "Weren't you just on the phone with 'him'?"  
"This and that are different."  
"Oh?" I raise an eyebrow, reaching for the container.  
"You do the same exact thing." Each word attempts to make a clean incision.

While watching me, I can feel his acidic thoughts begin to char through my spine: "After all, I learned it from you."

I say nothing and sweep my hand from one corner of the board to the other. Without warning, his right arm suddenly stretches across the board to pull my tie. My eyes flash in alarm as I catch myself resisting, hands pushing into the ground and leaning a bit backwards.

Click, clack clack…taptaptap. Some stones drop back onto the board, others roll down to the tatami.

"Mark my words: I _will_ catch up to you."  
I gulp as he continues to give me a scathing look. It's the one that aims straight to crush your windpipe.

_I thought he only reserved this for Shindou. There's no mistake: He's directing all that at _me_. _

Entranced, all I can do is see where he'll strike next. My fingernails dig into the tatami.

_These eyes are truly the most beautiful things I've ever seen._

"I wonder…" Tilting my head, I stare at him frigidly as the knob tightens around my Adam's apple. "…if you or Shindou will get to me first."  
I lightly slap his hand away to readjust my tie, but I no longer feel my fingertips.

"No matter what you do, I'm not giving up," he says as I continue to pick up the stones nonchalantly.  
Akira sits opposite me, deflated and motionless.

Pressing his wound even farther, I shake my head mockingly, "Tired of Shindou that you've come to play with me again?"  
"No…I never stopped. You made sure I wouldn't reach you."  
"What dan are you again?"  
"It's not about rank. You don't play freely. I have no sense of you on the board when we play anymore."  
I place the last stone inside the container. "What do you mean?"  
"Half of you plays me. The other is my father."  
I close the lid, trying to hide my disconcertment. But the concealed scorching from earlier extends into my chest, bleeding out all sensations to my heart.

_What exactly are you trying to figure out?_

Placing the container onto the table, I start to get up. "That is only natural. You two are completely different types of opponents even if your techniques parallel once in a while."

"_No._ What I mean is that your timing and moves are completely vibrant. With everyone else, including myself…"  
The pounding gets louder in between my ears, though I pretend with all my might to be unmoved by his words.  
"…you're indifferent. Your callousness comes from being perversely self-willed. Not pride or ego."

_What a smart boy you've become. With enough time, you too will push yourself away from me, Akira._

Feeling sicker to my stomach, I find myself opening the screen of the balcony and sitting seiza by the threshold. Looking out, I retort and lift up my chin arrogantly, "So what?"  
From the corner of my eye, Akira's frowning. "You're always so focused on Father. What makes him so special?"

_Why are you asking me this now?  
I can't move forward with him. And I will not be able to hold you off for too long either…_

"He is my teacher." I watch the flowing grass as the wind passes an invisible hand to rustle through it. "Everything starts and everything ends with him."  
When I glance back at him, he gasps. But I ignore it and continue to peer into the darkness.  
"So I love Go. That's all there is to it."

_This is all I have of him. Our games are all I can keep with me._

I hold my breath, afraid to break and not wanting to say anymore. I've revealed a lot about myself in these last few minutes than all the years we've been together.

_Don't figure it out. _This single mantra runs ice through my veins.

_What else do you want from me, Akira?_

When he walks over, he sits down behind me. Pulling me backwards and crossing his arms over my chest, Akira plasters his cheek against mine. Closing my eyes, I feel his breath on my ear, but I attempt to stand up. He holds onto me stubbornly, noticing the tenseness of my shoulders, but cannot fathom that he's killing me softly.

I sigh in annoyance, no longer bothering to fight him.  
"I've always wanted to ask you."  
"Yes?" His heart beats nervously and furiously onto my back.  
"Why did you study under Father?"  
I'm glad he wasn't looking into my face, but my tone probably couldn't cover the bittersweetness. "Because I admire him very much."  
"Didn't you ever think of leaving?"  
I shake my head and immediately lower my eyes to the woven floor. "Never. I wouldn't ever do that."

_There. I've stabbed myself, haven't I?_

Just then, his phone vibrates. A music box plays simultaneously, but he keeps his left arm on my chest to keep me from leaving. In my head, I'm singing along when I realize it's Misora Hibari's "Ai san san".  
"Hello Mother."  
But his smile turns into a line until his jaw drops. The color of his face drips away into white as my chest hardens. With mute lips, he hands me the phone.

Something's definitely wrong.

"Is this Ogata-kun?"  
Mrs. Touya's voice is clearly distressed. She's always so cool about everything that my throat strangles itself to even answer, "Yes?"  
"Koyo-san is in the hospital. He had a heart attack on the way to the ryokan and has gone straight into surgery."

The garbled voice on the phone makes no sense after those two sentences. I turn towards Akira who's frozen in place, but gripping onto my shirt, hugging me even tighter.  
"We're going now. What is the name of the hospital?"

**+/+/+/+/+/**

The taxi drive to the hospital is a blur between my mind being shot, thoughts firing from all directions. My heart rendered useless as I barely oscillate between senseless and screaming, ready to detonate at any given moment.

The "adult" should be in control, but the plaster keeping me together is Akira.

_I know I should comfort him, but…_

He's looking out the window with his chin over his palm, fingers over his mouth, but his left hand reaches out for mine. He squeezes it like he'll break my fingers while trying to appear brave. I wouldn't know though. I don't and don't want to feel anything.

_The foundation of my Go is close to death._

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Somehow, I manage to bob on the surface of consciousness as the hospital staff instruct and direct us to the seats outside the hall where the surgery is taking place. After all the paperwork is finished, or what we manage to fill out between the two of us, Akira refuses to let go of my sleeve, saying that I must stay with him. He convinces the personnel to let me stay even though it's a restricted family members only area.

Temporarily, I push away my anxiousness over the photographers that will start to camp out at the hospital entrance…

We are sitting on gray chairs with one separating us. I rack my brain on what to say, but I manage to tell him, "Your mother was calling on the way to Haneda, so she should be here in a few hours. She was able to book the last flight on ANA, but it'll land in Yonago."

Akira's been quiet for a while now, and this is the first time I've seen him so distraught that it makes me more unnerved though my face remains placid. The usual solidness of his mind crumbles, as if we both know what this time meant.  
"I was always prepared for it," he sighs. "Maybe that's why this time I was worried because he said he needed to talk to me."  
"Wouldn't that-"  
"Father usually doesn't warn me about things like that."  
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes briefly and sit right next to him. Pulling him close with my arm around his back, without looking, my hand finds his cheek so that he'd lean on my shoulder. I clench my teeth knowing I'm sinking deeper inside myself.  
"Close your eyes."  
"But-"  
"Even if you can't relax, just rest your eyes for now."

I hear footsteps, metal squealing from room to room, voices each telling their stories, sobbing, but in my mind, they're all heard from a distance as I listlessly wait.

_My life is trickling away, one hidden drop at a time._

**+/+/+/+/+/**

When Mrs. Touya arrives, she sits next to Akira and thanks us for settling as much as we could. She starts to finish all the papers we could not complete, and I finally ask for a bit of solitude to clear my head while I avoid looking at the "In progress" sign shining clearly before us.

I walk to the top, the roof above all the other buildings of this countryside. Fenced walls surround me as I sit on a wooden bench. I am about to take out a cigarette, but stop to push it back in.

Silence.  
Even the static inside my brain ceases. I am always thinking what to do next, where to go, be a few steps ahead so that while the past kept me under its scrutiny, it couldn't snatch my sanity away. I had no particular strategy though. I knew all along I had no embedded goals, just this man with the book.

I've never learned to live with serenity. I disturb it with noise anytime I can, but not out here. There is nothing to block the vastness passing through my ears. I pretended that I could, but I can no longer evade the magnitude of what's passing in and outside of me.

_We try so hard to control what we know we shouldn't. What we couldn't. But that is impossible._

Still, the warrior's blood running through our nation shouts from the depths of my soul, "Never say die!"

I look up to the stars for an answer. Now I can see them without restrictions, no city to obstruct its path, but somehow, I don't want to today.

_I have nothing._

Placing my glasses onto my shirt, they hang against my sternum. I fold my hands, closing my eyes and pressing my thumbs into the middle of my forehead.

_I shouldn't throw anything. I shouldn't shout or lose my patience.  
Shaking in the shadows, I am finally faced with the fact that my life is nearly passing away with him. They are inside Sensei's bones. _

_And all without his knowledge._

_How did people do this? Especially those retainers for their lords? Didn't I make a promise here that no matter what, I'd stay with him even when he rose without me? Even when he had a wife and child?_

_Why did I do this to myself?! Because no one made me feel that way? That Akira was the closest to purifying what I myself plucked out-_

"WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME?" my voice screeches in a painful whisper. Tears splash into my open palms when I finally open my eyes.

I do not know when, but my body gives out and I start to fall asleep.

"Because I still need you," a voice replies while I drift from consciousness. Through the haziness, I find myself staring into Akira's face. I reach out towards it as he pushes his cheek into my palm.

_Even in a delusion, you comfort me. You're the one that erases all my worries away for stolen moments of peace. _

His hair tickles my cheeks as he bends down to kiss me.

Knowing he'd never do this in reality, I laugh inwardly and kiss him back.

_Such sweetness…_

He then pushes me down further into the bench, sitting on top of me. I savor feeling him against me. He tilts his head as he leans down to lick my lips, the loose strands mildly stroke my neck. When I open my eyes again, I pull on his neck so that he lowers his head to kiss me again. His fingers shakily undo each of my buttons.  
But after pushing the hems away, he pushes a warm hand onto my stomach and rubs my chest slowly. Then, he gets my hands and reaches under the kimono as we both hold onto his hips, fingers digging into his thighs and knuckles touched by the lining.

The stars above him illuminate the shadowy shape of his body as he smiles down at me.  
"I still need you, Seiji," he whispers.

_You've never called me by name before._

"You say that, but didn't you leave me for Shindou-kun?" I give him a sardonic smile, running my fingers through his hair. "You will never return to me."

_Both of you. Both of you were never mine to begin with_.

I can't camouflage the tears that are falling down the sides of my eyes.

_Damn it!_

"That's not entirely true," he protests.  
"Aki-"  
He slips his tongue into my mouth.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

When I wake up, the sun bursts onto my face. The laundry sheets flap against the breeze with a smell of detergent and starch filling the air.

"What a wonderfully confusing dream…" I mumble to myself and put my glasses on.

The soreness over the rims of my eyes lull with the gentleness of everything, a perfectly floating bubble waiting to be popped. The hallucination was still so vivid that my body aches while catching my breath just thinking Akira sitting-  
"Ogata-sensei?"  
Sliding his fingers through an opening between two white sheets, Akira approaches me, giving a relieved expression at seeing me there.  
"How-"  
"I looked all over for you when you didn't return. And then I realized you'd be at the roof rather than the vending machines. Mother was concerned over you leaving so abruptly."

_It wasn't you? _

"So she was worried." I get up and push my hand towards my forehead, not wanting to show my disappointment though I do feel a slight headache coming on. "I'll apologize to her later."

"Father's pulled through," he tells me with a small smile. "But he's sleeping now."

_Thank you, Kami-sama…_  
The wave of gratefulness washes over me, but my eyes burn, unable to shed any drops of water.

"Let's go back to the hotel to change and drop your mother's luggage off in your father's room. We need to talk to them about our situation."  
He nods and asks, "When we come back, can you practice with me?"  
His eyes won't meet mine. His pride, like mine, won't say, "You must or else I'll lose it."

I agree and clean my glasses as we both head down towards Mrs. Touya. But as his figure leads the way, all I can think about is the smoldering question weighing obviously in the air.

The flavor of those phantom lips still lingering in my mouth.

_No. Of course you wouldn't. _

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

1/1/2020 11:43:43 PM – Los Angeles  
1/2/2020 4:43PM – Tokyo


	8. Ch 7 - emptying myself inside out

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata + Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei. **

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 7 – emptying myself inside out.**

When we reach Mrs. Touya standing in the hallway, I apologize immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude and leave so hastily. Then I nodded off on the roof without even saying where I was."  
I touch the back of my neck modestly with childish guilt.  
She nods her head understandingly. "That's all right. I was just worried you were taking it too hard."  
Reaching out her hand, it's almost as if she wants to pat the top of my head, but she hesitates, fingers curling into a soft fist.

Does my face look like it's going through hell? If she feels the need to do that, I'm certain it does. But no one has comforted me in that manner. I wouldn't know anyway. I've never given anyone the opportunity to.

_I want to curse myself for your concern when it should be the other way around!_

Unconsciously, my gaze wanders towards the door I've purposely ignored. My mind's breaking, so I pull on my jacket to keep myself in check.

_Beyond that door, he's lying down with an oxygen mask and I don't think I can handle that right now. No, I _know_ I can't. I've got to keep up the few strands of control I still possess within me. _

_But how long can keep up this façade? _

I watch Akira sitting down and texting someone, most probably Shindou-kun, with lips in a line and a distraught expression.

_For you, Sensei. For Akira.  
That's right…this is nothing after enduring all this time. I have to keep it up. I need to make it to the end of this day in one piece._

"We'll make an announcement about postponing our match, but the charity event will go on as planned. Let's go back to the ryokan, Akira-kun." I take the handle of Mrs. Touya's luggage from Akira's left hand. "For sure, we'll return as soon as we can."  
Mrs. Touya smiles at us, bowing her head slightly. "Thank you, Ogata-kun."  
"You're always welcome, Mrs. Touya."

**+/+/+/+/+/**

This morning's ride seems so much quicker compared to last night's.

As soon as we sit down, Akira falls asleep the instant he closes his eyes. With hands folded, his head falls towards the right and it makes me relax for a moment. Always vigilant, I wonder why I never saw the signs.

_You hold your pride up to me as your weapon, not your shield. Yet, you let me see beyond your armor._

But then in tiredness, my mind slips back into _that _dream. I stop it midway, keeping it from ensnaring my senses and seducing my soul away.

_If you truly need me, it can't possibly be like that._

_You are your father's most precious treasure: His pride passing onto you with all the experience he could give.  
Tarnishing it would definitely kill me._

**+/+/+/+/+/**

After discussing with the Takeno Ryokan staff about our situation, we take quick showers and change clothes before heading to the hosting hotel to face the cameras and their film crews. Under the barrage of blinking red dots, electrical eyes, and hardened mesh mouths, Akira and I address Sensei's situation and revert to leading the event with steel nerves.

"...So as of this moment, Sensei is in stable condition, but we deeply regret having to postpone our match to a later time when his health is better." I bow my head forward.  
Akira now walks up to the cluster of microphones. "We will be continuing with all other matches and signing sessions for this charity event. Thank you again for attending and please enjoy the afternoon at your leisure. We will begin in ten minutes."

Everyone heads to their respective seats as we push our chairs out to step off the stage. Amano-san is waiting for us at the bottom. "I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your father, Akira-kun. But I'm happy the Meijin is faring well."  
"Yes, he is. Thank you."  
He glances towards me and says, "We look forward to the rematch then, Ogata-sensei."  
"I do as well," I reply.

He goes off to walk around the room when Kurata-sensei heads over towards our direction.  
"Akira-kun! I'm looking forward to the matches today, but is your father's condition getting better? What happened?"  
"He is all right. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but he's resting now. He just had surgery but the doctors said he'll be able to go home soon. Other than that, actually he's very energetic."  
"That's great to hear! I wanted to play against him again so it was too much of a shock to hear it over the tv so suddenly. Well, I'll be going over to my table now. See you in a bit."

Behind us, I hear that horrid cackling. "Oh ho ho~. You've been saved, haven't you, Ogata-_kun_?"

_Ah yes, how could I forget the aggravator of nerves-sensei himself…_

I turn around and greet him too politely for his tastes. "Kuwabara Honinbou."  
"Regards to your father. I am glad to know there's still enough umph for us to fight one another, Akira-kun."  
"Thank you, Kuwabara-sensei." Akira bows respectfully. "I am very honored you chose to play with me first."  
He pats his shoulder while chuckling. "I wonder…will _you_ take this title before Ogata-kun?"

Walking away, he lifts an eyebrow, giving me a contumelious look without Akira's knowledge. He then saunters to join his part of the room, waiting for his opponent.

Not taking the bait, I keep eye contact for a moment longer, just before the instrumental karaoke version of "Polyrhythm" plays in Akira's pocket.

_I've never heard this ringtone before._

Akira rushes out to the hallway to take the call. I want to follow him, but Kiyohara Yashiro-kun walks up to me, his eyes following Akira's trail.  
"I had wanted to ask how his father was, but…"  
"He is all right. Thank you for your concern."  
"I was looking forward to your match together, but that will have to wait for another day."  
"Yes, but rest assured, we will have it."  
He bows his head politely and strides over to his table completely composed.

_Now it makes me very curious as to why Shindou didn't attend…_

Smoothly making my way towards the bathroom, which requires passing through the hallway, I'm able to catch pieces of the conversation. Eavesdropping from the doorway, I hear Akira's end: "Yes, you really don't have to worry, but thank you for calling. I appreciate it…Yes, I know we've been texting…Well, that was why…No, Father is resting. There is no Go board in his room…Yes, mother is doing fine…Could you, no on second thought, it's okay. Really…I'll text you if there's any more news…Thank you again, Ichikawa-san."

_Ah, Ichikawa-san. _

Then he frets over his phone before making another phone call.

"Hikaru?" His voice becomes softer and hushed. "I only have about five more minutes before the matches begin, but I wanted to tell you something…I'll be here for two more days, until father is released from the hospital…Yes…I am okay…No, you don't have to come…I just wanted to hear your voice…Why you! I…"

I leave without looking back. All feeling I've managed to retain forcefully twists itself clean with no room left for air.

I didn't know that even more pain could exist after the deadening of the senses.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

By busily roaming the room throughout the event, I'm able to camouflage avoiding Akira and the interim of mental paralysis and physical disengagement. It was my protection system while growing up, but within two days, my old habits strap me down blind.

We're finally able to go back to our ryokan and into our room, but I'm more aloof than usual.

Akira immediately sits in front of the board, but grabs onto the bottom of my jacket without looking at me. "Please. I still haven't played my match with father this morning."  
I stand behind him covertly exasperated. "I…"

_...am at the last of my reserves. Give me time to breathe, Akira._

His eyebrows furrowed the more his fingers grab onto the hem. "If the time ever came, Father said to ask you to resume my morning matches."

_When was this?_

I looked down at his profile, a bit put off. "He's never discussed that with me."  
"Who else can teach me, but you?"

_I've played this game more times in my head than on an actual board. How many hours have I spent trying to go up the ranks and still not get there? Do you know how frustrated I am that you're coming up so quickly and now you're asking me if I'm qualified? Just because Sensei said so?_

_I have never doubted his judgment, but this…  
Sensei, why do you always have to give me a puzzle to solve? Always wanting me to counter your latest move even off the board? _

His lips open to talk until I put my hand over his and take off each of his fingers from my jacket.  
When I kneel on one knee, our eyes meet and his mouth seals itself shut. Despondently, I stare straight into his eyes for the first time not as his teacher, brother, friend, or rival, but as a stranger, the part of me I never wanted to show him.  
The person I was before I met his father: Self-destructive without a conscience. I cared for no one but myself.

_Your father and then you and Hikaru...how exactly do you expect me to keep functioning?  
I'm very tired. Of him messing with my mind. Of you wrapping me around your finger, latently aware that you do. _

_Why do I keep repeating the same mistake with eyes wide open? _

This time, Akira's shocked into silence. For once, I'm openly showing him my misery, my jealousy, my contempt at full force.

Without another word, I get up and leave the room to smoke a cigarette.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

When I return, he remains sitting in front of the 19 x 19 board, looming over it with severe vehemence, agitation draining into the stones. He doesn't even feel my presence as I watch him battle against himself.  
Within a glance, I know I'm white and he's black. It is the current me as of a few days ago at their home.

_It seems you like to pick me apart too. Then again, didn't you say that I practically taught you the ruthless cruelties of the game?_

Laying the stones with poignant sharpness, he suddenly stops on move 73.

Eyeing the board almost in disdain, the more my heart beats on end from madness and sorrow.

_Even if you keep insisting, I won't let you have the benefit of seeing me defeated, Akira. Especially on that board! _

"I don't know if you'll put this stone here or there," he ponders aloud, pointing at the places I mentally picked out as well.  
"Why?" I cover my mouth, hiding that I am proud of him despite being incensed at his arrogance.  
"To provoke me to make a mistake or kill me in one swoop."  
"What do you think?"  
"Here."  
It's a spot I saw, but didn't mention.  
"You'd kill me without me knowing." His eyes connect with mine.

_I can't tell if you're disappointed or resentful at discovering the truth._

"You really do know me well, don't you, Akira?" I smile enigmatically as I sit across him. "I'm not a challenge for you if you've figured that out."  
"As I said before, this is only if you played with _me_. You'd be completely different with Father."  
"How so?" I provoke him to answer, to hit the nails and pierce himself while hammering deeper into the crux of my scars.

_Again, you're chasing me all over the board…_

"That's the part I don't know. Yet." His eyes hover over the board, recounting each move meticulously for later use.  
"Does it really matter?" Holding the container in my hand, unable to fix the stones while he's still storing his mental kifu.  
"Yes!" he snaps, turning his face away from mine. The strain in his voice pulls a chord within me.

_Always have to inflame his hate, don't you, Seiji? _

I grimly start to pick up the stones, my eyes blankly watching what I'm doing.

_I hate hurting you, but I keep doing it anyway..._

Clack clack clack…each stone drops into the container, they clatter louder in our ears through the silence. I then hold a black stone between my fingers, rubbing it for some sense of stability.  
I think about when he was little. He used to try to steal these from my hands and cracked them on the board after gnawing on them with his gums.

…_fully knowing that most of the laughter and joy I experienced in this life came from _you_. _

"I enjoy playing with you," I calmly say.  
"Are you being sarcastic?" He sniffs, and his whole body is shaking in resentment.

Tap. Placing the stone on the board, I shake my head while pretending to be indifferent.

Refusing to look his way, I focus on different spots of the board, ghosts of past moves float by. A few triumphs appear here and there, but the stinging regrets linger, recorded on and off the official stats.

"You reset everything."  
He glances at me in curiosity, eyes rimmed with redness and breathing deeply to find equilibrium.  
"I remember how I devoured every book when I started. How I went around the city playing in all the Go Salons to look for a challenge."  
"You did?"  
"Yes." I close my eyes briefly and nod slightly forward.  
"What about now?"  
"Endless struggle. The mountain never conquered. It doesn't matter what rank I've become because I still haven't reached my goal. The reason I began Go in the first place." With my jaw tightening, I give Akira the filled container of white stones. "Let's play before going back to Sensei and your mother. I did promise you I would."  
He takes the stones, but stares at me with new eyes. "I should play bl-"  
"No." I lift my eyes with a serious vigor. "Let's continue on like this."

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Driving along the long stretch of road, some landmarks start becoming familiar: A gnarled tree in front of a white house. Akira seethes in his seat as I've somehow managed to glide away from collapsing, five stones to be exact. I take off my glasses, cleaning them while thinking about how much quicker he's come since the latest Cup.

He's closing in faster than I'd estimated, but why's he mad at me? According to my terms, this is his victory. I won't admit it though.  
The Honinbou League where we first faced each other professionally seems lifetimes ago.

We get to the hospital by late afternoon on the cusp of twilight and Akira talks privately to his father while Mrs. Touya and I enter the cafeteria to get some coffee, neither one of us with an appetite.

The sifting of somber visitors and white uniforms fade into the background as we both sit down.  
"Thank you again. I am so glad you and Akira were able to straighten out the situation with both the event and the ryokan. How was everyone?"  
"They were disappointed Sensei and I weren't able to play, but they all expressed their well wishes towards Sensei. On the most part, I think they're satisfied. However, I've never written on so many signboards before."  
"Didn't you know you were popular?"  
"I never paid attention."  
Putting a hand up to her mouth to laugh, she gives me a relieved expression. "You look much better than this morning."

_Even when she should be focusing on herself, she's not. She's always so cool and calm, a complete contrast to her husband._

"You don't have to worry so much about me, Mrs. Touya. Really, I'm okay." I take a sip from the blandness. I haven't been able to taste anything today. "Besides, Akira-kun and I were able to converse with friends, fellow players, and fans. We even had a private round in our room. That actually helped."

She blinks at me and when I look at her, I notice this is the first time I've actually seen her in a long while. Usually we are side by side or talk in passing, but we've never truly faced one another like we are now.

In my eyes, I still see the pretty woman in the dark purple yukata looking back at me.

"We haven't conversed like this since…" She looks off to one side in contemplation and then back at me. "…Akira-san was born?"  
"I'm sure it hasn't been that long, has it?"

_It's been too short for me._

"You've been Koyo-san's student for decades that unlike the others, I've always regarded you as my other son."  
I end up gripping onto my coffee with both hands and I bow my head. "It's an honor to me for you to say that."  
"I admit I have no idea about the world of Go, but I do know that without you, Koyo-san would never have pushed himself so hard." She holds the cup in between her hands and glances at it with a reflective look. "Akira-san too. So I am grateful to you for the both of them."  
My heads goes from side to side. I'm no good with compliments.

_Why am I feeling so nervous? _

"You don't have to thank me. Both of them are very strong, self-motivated players. I'm humbled that I can learn from Sensei in the first place. I know there's still more for me to absorb. And I've enjoyed discussing about Go with Akira-san, especially since we love it so much."

_Yes…that's right. I never use the word 'love' for anything. Affection, yes, but never that word. _

But I couldn't lie to Mrs. Touya.

Finally, she lets go of her cup and reaches over the table. "I don't mean to treat you like a child, but…"  
She pats my head and runs her fingers through my bangs, the hair I used to hate because it didn't grow black like others around me, but somewhere around brownish-blond. I was pestered and made fun of for it, but Kouichi accepted it without questions. From then on, I no longer felt ashamed.  
"You always act tough, but I know…"

_What does she know? I'm afraid of what she really sees…  
Even my own mother didn't do this for me. She was too busy with her socialite friends when I was growing up._

But her fingers feel smooth and comforting. I can't help but go along with the rhythm, even if it is in public.

_I'm not offended at all that she's treating me like a kid. I wonder why that is?_

Holding my breath, she answers, "…you're more straight-forward than you care to admit. Koyo-san won't say it, but he praises you all the time."

I open my eyes widely in pure surprise.

_He does?_

"You could have gone to another teacher or taught your own classes by now, and this is the perfect time to think about it, but…" She takes her hand away and tilts her head to one side. "…I know it's selfish of me to ask, but please stay with us. I want you to know how much we all need you."  
I feel a warm clasp over my hands. "There are times I feel you don't know that, Ogata-kun."

Overcome, I bow my head, my nose almost touching the table's grooves. "Thank you, Mrs. Touya. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I promise I won't go anywhere."

She smiles and we both take another sip of our coffee, listening to the bustling of trays and the hum of other conversations.

A few seats away, a child walks to a table with her father behind her holding a tray. She sits on his lap as they eat together.

_With the awkwardness I experience with my own family, I don't know what to feel. I know what I've wanted, but who has ever needed me?_

I take another sip of my coffee to discover that there's nothing left inside the cup.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Akira is leaning on the wall when we make it back, but I ask them not to wait for me since visiting hours are almost over and that they should eat dinner together. I take them to get a taxi before I grab onto the knob of Sensei's door. Fixing my lapel, I push the door in and see Sensei resting with an oxygen mask.

He blinks his eyes as my leaden feet try their best to walk over. Antsy, I can't seem to sit down so I lean by the windowsill.  
"Ogata-kun."

He's having a hard time breathing.

"Good evening, Sensei."

_Are we really going to have a talk right now?_

_I want to be here, but at the same time, I want to be anywhere but here. I don't want to see this. Imagining it was already hard, but hit with the reality of it actually happening, I know half of me is already in shut down mode, waiting for the other half to implode. _

_Just glancing at you in this state speeds up my breakdown._

He gestures tiredly for me to come closer and I stand right by his bedside, looking down at him.

"She was right. Worry's written all over your face." He chuckles, the sides of his eyes crinkling.  
"This is a bit more drastic than last time, Sensei."  
"It is. But I'm not going yet. I still have things to do." He pointedly looks at me despite the weakness in his voice. "How was your bout with Akira? He told me you beat him."  
"And he said that if anything happened to you, you said he should come to me," I counter, unforgiving about the circumstances.  
"That's right. It is only natural that he does so. You're one of his teachers. And from all my students, you're the most qualified."

_It's only because I've stayed the longest…_

I don't say anything.

"You took care of the charity event on my behalf as well." The ends of his lips curl up. "You'll have to wait for our match."

The cries of the cicadas outside begin to sting my ears with their growing loudness.

"It seems you are always waiting for me, Ogata-kun."

_What do you mean by that?_

I hold my breath. The absolute fear that he's always known my secret causes me to stand very still, the numbness of earlier spreading and painfully clutching onto all that's left of me today.

"Sensei?"  
"Thank you."

The oppressive silence of no explanation hangs in the air, and he ends the conversation by closing his eyes.

"You're welcome."  
"See you tomorrow then."  
"Yes, Sensei."

_Why are you thanking me, I wonder?  
I've done nothing for you._

**+/+/+/+/+/**

They are in the middle of eating when I arrive. We end up having dinner together in Mrs. Touya's room and soon, Akira and I go back to our room.

After taking a bath, Akira goes back to the Go Board, playing over and over. Even as I towel myself in the bathroom, I hear the stones roar in their tenacity, never stopping unless to start a new round.

_So this is also his form of stress relief._

Now that I think about it, this is the first time we've shared a room since he's usually by himself and I roomed with Ashiwara-san. Unfortunately this time, that tactic failed me.

Drying my hair, I pop my head into the living room and say I'm going to bed.  
The continuous tapping stops. "Am I being noisy?"  
"No," I reply. "I sometimes sleep while listening to replays of Go matches."  
"Aren't those televised without the clacking sound?"  
"The ones from decades ago. I used to take cassette recordings and videos when they were allowed." I hold my towel in my hand and turn around to put it back in the bathroom.

Afterwards, I place my glasses next to my phone on a table and turn off the lights without closing the door. "Good night, Akira."

He doesn't bother to look into my direction as I hear the stones in a rhythm as if it's hard rain, a typhoon strung in melody.  
I go into my futon and close my eyes, but my mind refuses to quit. Words keep rising to my consciousness: Mrs. Touya's request and Sensei's resolve when he told me he still had things to do.

That image of Akira I can't let go of, repeating in its savage fantasy.

I turn over, and well away from him.

_My unrequited feelings. The loneliness of being the only one who knows them. These dirty thoughts a manifestation of all my unquenched desires…they're all eating away at me._

"Ogata-sensei?"  
I hear the shh shh sound of his blanket as he turns towards my direction.

I've been so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't notice him lying in his futon.

Sighing deeper than ever, my eyes stare blurrily into the darkness.  
Akira enters my futon. His cold legs wrap around mine along with his arms.  
"What are you doing, Akira?! Go back to your futon!" I scold angrily.  
Unexpectedly, his whole body's shaking, but he whispers gently into my ear, "I'll stay with you until morning. I promise I won't tell."  
"Tell what?" I sarcastically retort while trying to push his arms away.  
"You've been looking for a place to cry, haven't you? Wordlessly, without the press, without our friends…without Father seeing."

Disarming me, his words hit straight into my nerves.  
He hugs me tighter than before and I feel my whole body loosen all the built up tension, surrendering to the exhaustion and his body.

_They may have seen traces of it, but…  
When did you learn to read me so well, Akira?_

_You've really grown up, haven't you? You've ripped the wool from your own eyes...  
Just how long have you seen through the real me and kept me from knowing?_

I really must be getting old because I can't tear myself away. My skin, my bones…everything aches for him, hidden underneath all my protests. It feels right though, that my place has always been here.

_But you're a child. And you're in love with Shindou, not me. _

_In a moment of weakness, I'm not mixing you up. You're not your father from the past. Sensei isn't the you of the future. I never thought that way. _

_If I step past that line, it'll mean more than suicide. I'll forfeit all that I hold sacred. I know that very well. That's why I refused to see when you got a few centimeters taller, that our closeness defaulted from years of being around one another almost daily, your magnetic eyes relentlessly daring me to crossover._

Between his arms, without sobbing nor tears, I find myself quivering, emptying myself inside out:

For his mother's trust.  
For Sensei's regard and ignorance.  
For his unconditional adoration.

I never thought I'd lose all three at once  
with the reality of wanting the unthinkable.

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note:** The strange instant when I even thought of creating this fic, I thought, "Do I really know Ogata-sensei?" The more I write, the more difficult it becomes because I consciously now understand what I hadn't before, like latent thoughts fluttering to the surface, becoming apparent under the scrutiny of light. Ah, the things you learn through fanfics. That's part of the reason why I'm still here doing it.

Sadly, a few months ago in April, while trying to figure out his voice, I found out his seiyuu (Fujiwara Keiji) passed away. (For both Hikaru and Initial D/Shingo! ;_;)

Ogata-sensei's so interesting, but all I feel is his struggle. My chest tightened every time he spoke. He loves Touya-sensei. He doesn't fully understand his love for Akira, but doesn't want to betray either nor his feelings for both.

And this chapter's dedicated to someone for their birthday.

Love,  
Yui

7/26/2020 10:10:11 PM – Los Angeles  
7/27/2020 2:10:11 PM – Tokyo


	9. Ch 8 - the vulnerable regret

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata x Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei. "I Heard A Rumour" is Bananarama's.**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 8 – the vulnerable regret.**

_How long have I been waiting? For what though? _

_For whom exactly?_

The crispness of the air permeates through the windows as Akira's hand splays over my heart, drumming against his palm through my shirt. For a moment, we integrate with the waves of coolness from the mountains, his soothing composure hushing my anxieties.  
Defenseless, I can't hide from him any longer. I have no idea what to do so I close my eyes tightly.

_I don't want to push him away, but I should because I know where he needs to go: It isn't with me.  
We can walk side-by-side as we've always done. _

_Anything further is definitely not an option, but was this bound to happen after all?_

_Similar to piles of autumn leaves, there's been many seasons of chasing after Sensei on the board and off of it. From the moment he walked in front of me, I knew I'd love him 'til the day I'd die though I didn't understand it fully at the time what my feelings added up to. _

_What's left for you then? It isn't fair to you or me._

_By not telling your father, I was able to save myself. And if I give into you, I can never face Sensei and lift my head with the integrity he expects of me. I'll have to give up Go, the cornerstone of all that's kept me balanced and connects everything important to me. _

_My whole life would be over._

_Though I know all this, I'm still weak. Just like Sensei told me years ago._

My heart is corroding more as the seconds tick by, but I end up pushing his hand against it, crushing it as far as it can go. I push my fingers in between the spaces of his and hold on with all my might.

_I can't let go._

"This reminds me of the time after the festival."  
His face immediately turns red, pressing onto my back. I feel the temperature of his skin rise, incinerating against every place he's touching mine.  
"Please don't tell the story…" Akira's voice squeaks in bashfulness.  
I smirk and tease, "But you were so proud to give me those two goldfish."  
"Father was really mad at both of us though."  
"So I spent 5,000 yen. I didn't see why he had to be so upset if I was paying."  
"That's _why_ he got angry."  
"But you were having so much fun. How could I tell you no?"  
His arms jolt mildly until I hear his soft laughter. My eyes squint as I gulp.

_How many times have you saved me with that?_

"I was pretty determined to get two."  
"You could have stopped at one."  
"But I wanted him to have a friend." He clears his throat. "Kid logic, you know? I was only three!"  
Staring at nothing particular inside the flurry of shadows, I tell him, "I've kept fish ever since."

His lips seal shut.

_/"You're here!"  
At the top of the cobblestone steps, I spotted Sensei's family. I was about to walk up to them when Akira broke free of his mother's hand and ran to get me. Pulling my hand as usual, he grinned to bring me around the temple matsuri with his parents. _

_That night, he wouldn't let me go home. His mother had to explain that I really had to, but unreasonably, he didn't want me to.  
_"_Of course I'll be back tomorrow," I said, but he kept tugging on my shirt while crying and sniffling. _

_Big tears fell down the sides of his face and it made me pause, indulging in the cuteness.  
Akira frowned, looking down at the ground. "But it'll be for Father. Not me." _

_Taken aback, I didn't know how to respond. Why's he so attached to me? I couldn't understand it at all, considering the fact that I was the least friendly and most closed-off personality in our study group._

_Kneeling on both of my knees at their genkan, my whole hand covered the top of his head. "I assure you. I come for you as much as for your mother and father. All right?"  
_"_Okay."  
As I was about to get up, he gave me a big hug, his face snuggling brightly against my cheek. "Thank you, Ogata-san. Today was so fun!"  
I patted his back. "You're very welcome, Akira-san. I'm glad."_

_While walking back to the station, I winced while holding up the two goldfish swimming in the plastic bag._

_There will come a time when I'll miss this. So I'll enjoy it while I can./_

_I never knew how long you'd stay. How long I'd keep your attention on me without changing. It was impossible, especially when Shindou Hikaru came into the picture, but I took everything I could, didn't I? That's why I only responded on the Go board.  
That was the only place I'd meet you or Sensei, where I was sure I couldn't lose our bond._

"When will you ever stop seeing me as a child?"

He lets go of his hand from my grasp to pull on my shoulder and I turned around, the world spinning before me with the dizziness settling in. Intently, we watch one another, but the serenity soon vanishes.  
Akira reaches for my shoulders, jostling me. "Why do you always do this to me?"  
"What else _can_ I do?" I chuckle darkly, reaching out to twist the ends of his hair onto my index finger. "Even if I did, in a few more years I'll give you away again to Shindou for good, right? Like when you were 11."  
"Hikaru…he…" Clearly distressed, he looks from side to side. "I…"

He's unable to follow-up his thoughts, but I can't bear to hear him say Shindou's name so familiarly.  
I let go of the tips and look sideways.

_Just like with your father, I'll watch it happen all over again. At least, I was prepared for that…  
But not this._

"And who gave you that choice anyway?" His fingers reach out to pull my collar and they go up to my cheeks. "I never left you."  
Pulling my face towards him, he pushes his tongue into my mouth. I blink at him, but his eyes are fully closed, his fingers running through my hair. The trickles of electricity flow through, awakening my starving body…

_This kiss is nothing compared to the dream. Wanting, and wanting more than that…_

I've slept with others, and I was somehow cut off from all of them, disinterested even with the sex. But the moment he starts to undo my buttons, I know I'll pay gravely...

_I'll lose everything._

…but I let him.  
Helping him along with my hands over his, I push more into the kiss and then pull back. As he's leaning into his left side onto the futon, I take off the blanket and start licking his ear. My right hand deftly goes past the band of his shorts and into his underwear until I am grabbing onto the soft flesh hardening onto my fingertips.  
Gasping, his right hand goes under my left arm, pulling my back towards him so that I can hear his voice in my ear. He pulls on my shirt tighter and tighter until it's starting to stretch, nearly ripping.  
His gasps shorten the faster I rub him up and down with my fingers. I feel nothing but heat. From his muffled moans into my shoulder, the motion of my hand controlling his rapture...

"Ogata…Ah~!" His whole body shivers, writhing against my fondling.  
"Mmm…" Kissing him and starting to taste his salty shoulder, his hands struggle to catch my forearms.

Pulling back, I cup the back of his head with my left hand so that I focus on him through the darkness. I want to watch his changing expressions, but my right hand is still in between his thighs. With his hair spread out on the floor and the rumpled hem of his shirt over the nipples, I find myself eyeing the naked legs with the shorts still clinging onto one ankle.

He never stops watching me though. Waiting for me to open him up.

Even though I can partially see him, I know he's more ravishing than before. It makes me want to torture him.  
He pulls his chin up, lifts his stomach up, nails digging into my arms while his eyes scrunch up and lips opening in pleasure. "AH~!"

"Closer." He reaches out to hold my face again in between his hands. "Come closer to me…"

_I'm getting addicted. If he starts calling my name with that raspy voice, I can't go back…_

"Akira…" I lean forward to lick his lips and he responds, fervently kissing me back.  
But when I open my eyes, this vision of him is more breathtaking than ever.

_Those eyes which always accept me despite all their questions. Being loved even after he knows what kind of person I am…  
Could I really give this up? _

Breathless and concerned, he asks with his hands still on my cheeks, "What's wrong?"

_I finally realize whom I've been waiting for._

"I can't..." Sweeping my thumb across his lips, I shake my head. "We can't."

_You are everything. And then, I'll truly have nothing once I give that away. _

"So…you love 'Go' more." He swallows these words harshly and finally lets me go. Staring at the ceiling, his hands fall quickly to the ground, dead weights on either side of him.

I mutely get up, walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me. Over the sink, I look into my palm and see the white substance inside of it. Closing my shaking palm, I start to cry deep inside.

_You never win, do you?_

**+/+/+/+/+/**

"So you realize what hurt you made  
And the love you threw away  
How can I forgive or soon forget  
It's never gonna be the same…"

Worse than an alarm, my hand shoots out to snatch my phone, cursing under my breath. Clumsily hitting my glasses next to it, I get up abruptly to find that Akira's futon is empty.

_I hate you for putting this on my phone._

"I Heard A Rumour" plays in my hands while I go towards the window, leaning onto the cold surface and looking out to discover that dawn is chasing gradients of navy blue away. Scratching my head, I answer the phone.  
"Took you long enough, Seiji."  
"Well good morning to you too," I grumble.  
The amusement in his tone vanishes. "I heard your Sensei's in the hospital. Are you doing all right?"

I've never explained to anyone about my situation, but of course, Kouichi had been there in Shinjuku when I'd declared I'd defeat the old man. He knew that Go was important the moment I'd given up college to continue on with Sensei despite my parents' protests in following my "designated" path.

"He's doing all right. In fact, he'll be out tomorrow."  
There's a pause on the other end of the line. I can feel him rubbing his chin to think.  
"Your voice sounds tired."  
Knowing I can't think of an excuse, my eyes peer over the glistening grass and the sun yawning prettily in shades of oranges and yellows.

A deep contrast to the mess I am inside and what I made of last night.

"I…"  
"Did you get closer to your goal, Seiji?"  
"Not yet. Actually, I didn't make a dent. Not one mark."  
"He's stronger than ever?"  
"As of four days ago? Yes."  
"So, what are you going to do now?"  
My gaze gradually lifts up to look beyond the houses, mountains, and ocean, wishing I could see the dunes, but I can't come up with a proper answer. He would figure out the double meaning in a split-second. After all, we've been together since middle school.

He sighs into the phone. "You shut down, didn't you?"  
Unconsciously, I end up watching my open hand and avert my eyes immediately. Remembering what happened last night, I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

"You know me so well," I reply dryly.  
"So was the girl you slept with a good substitute for number one?"

_Not a substitute at all, but I won't tell you that._

Smirking I nod to myself, my eyes glimpsing at the bedroom door. "The best. I'll never find another one quite as sweet."  
He notices my attitude change, the vulnerable regret. "This girl actually contends with _the one_? And you never told me?"  
I start to snicker at the irony. "Weren't you calling for something else?"  
"Seiji..._The one_ and Sensei are the same right?"

My mind absolutely shatters.  
Almost dropping the phone, I grip onto it but barely feel it in my hand anymore.

All the guilt, the suffering, the longing from every millimeter of my body pumps into my stomach, forcing itself up to my throat. All I want to do is throw up.

_How long have you known? But on the other hand, how could you not?_

I don't answer to incriminate myself, to acknowledge what I'd voluntarily subjected myself to. In my mind, I see multiple selves at different ages all walking towards the same stern figure: The desperation one and the same.

Barely hearing his voice, he catches me back into reality. "I'm sorry, Sei. I didn't mean to hit you with that. I called to see how you were and-"  
"No, you shouldn't apologize."

_If anyone, I wanted to tell you the truth, but I wasn't ready to face it myself. You knew all along and you _still _stayed with me. _

"Thank you, Kou…for understanding."

_For not ever giving up on me._

I start to cough because I didn't realize I'd stopped breathing.  
"Oh. He's really…if you're…" he stammers and the smoothness of his delivery becomes bumpy. He's never stumped for words.

_Throughout our whole friendship, I've never been straight with you. I always wondered why you stuck around…_

I finally watch the tatami's interwoven patterns with a strained single answer: "Yes."  
"Call me back later. Or I'll-"  
"I _know_."

When he's about to go, he still hesitates and asks, "Wait. So how _was_ the one you slept with…?"  
"You're so persistent."  
"Well?"  
"Already taken." I can taste the bitterness on my tongue.

Silence.

"You better call."  
"You're annoying."  
"Take care."  
"Yeah, you too."

I eye the phone not quite sure how to feel about anything anymore…

When I put it back on the table to charge, Akira steps inside the bedroom and dips his head, devoid of the smile I enjoy. Politely he greets me, "Good morning, Ogata-sensei."  
The business-like iciness pinches my heart raw.  
"Good morning, Akira," I manage to answer back.

He doesn't bother to ask me about his morning match.

By the time I finish washing my face and brushing my teeth, he's already eating breakfast in his mother's room. I step into the living room to find he's aligned the Go board next to the balcony door, the ends of the curtains lightly stroking the wood.  
As I step closer, the mixing of black and white stones glow under the sunlight and I look down to an adjusted pattern of yesterday's cutthroat game.

He's caught up to me.

A large gust of wind suddenly passes through and I hear paper rustling underneath the board. Kneeling down, I find three stapled pages and bring it to my lap. Flipping through the mechanical penciled marks, he's found three different routes to battle yesterday's game with me.

I feel nothing but rage from these papers: At how much he evolves and how I underestimated the accumulated costs. The disguised violence written coldly and boldly, binding me onto these sheets.  
These graphite lacerations tantalize my competitive appetite to meet his challenge.

So instead of pushing myself away, the more I'm drawn to him…

He'd kept his word. Akira stayed with me all night, but within our 19x19 universe. In fact, I'm sure he didn't sleep at all.  
Laughing to myself, I then lick my lips. "He never does what I expect him to..."

_Fine. I'll completely lay you out naked and take you on the Go board._

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note: **I cannot say how many times I listened to Ogata-sensei's voice, catching nuances I hadn't when I first viewed Hikaru no Go. (Comparing younger to older me is quite insightful considering that I don't like reading/viewing things again, but Hikaru no Go is one of the few exceptions because I'll go back to recapture an aspect of my 'hope'.) He's always waiting for Akira somehow even if he provokes him in the worst way. And sometimes even worse than Hikaru does. It's all delicious to me though!  
But it's excruciating all the same. That part where he looks at Akira and comes to his own understanding of what he'd truly lose…I wasn't thinking of this at all, but it was a revelation to me.  
Then, Akira's calculated counter is just…beautiful. Kills him on the board to keep Ogata running after him.

This chapter was hard on my heart but so fun to write! Hope you enjoyed!

Love,  
Yui

8/2/2020 9:14:50 PM – Los Angeles  
8/3/2020 1:15:50 PM – Tokyo


	10. Ch 9 - The aura that pulled me here

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata x Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei.  
**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 9 – The aura that pulled me here.**

_It's been an hour and a half already, but he isn't back yet._

The high wave of my new declaration crashes rapidly, dragged down by fatigue to the seafloor. Everything is happening at once with the last blow coming from myself. Guilt smears into my personal abyss, disintegrating what's left of my soul.  
As much as I lamented over Sensei or slept around, I never felt a gram of remorse. But Akira is on a totally different scale, the feather definitely still bleeding from being ripped from pure skin.

_I've hurt him in a way only I could. _

_Unwilling to move forward or back with you, it still led to the same conclusion. Where will we go from here? _

Folding the newspaper, I finish breakfast without paying attention to any of the articles I'm supposedly "reading" and my taste buds are all but dead. I eat anyway, not wanting to be ungrateful after all the trouble it took to make it.

There is a knock at the door and a woman takes everything away. Before I know it, I present myself to the Go board, staring at the fabulous play that butchers me from various directions. Lifting my chin up in aggravation, I take the stones away backwards, reversing my play and editing it in my head as I go along.

All that's left is white when Akira returns.  
He glances at me and though I expect him to be as frosty as he was earlier, he looks disconcerted and goes straight into the bedroom. Giving him some space, I clear away each of the white stones and squint in contemplation, but soon, I stand up to get a pen.  
Without even bothering to knock, I enter the threshold to find Akira facing the window, holding onto something in between his hands. Very lost in thought, he doesn't notice me at all.

He raises his arms and the crepe paper slips off, gracefully floating down to the floor.

_Somehow, that pattern looks familiar…  
_That sick feeling in my gut comes back, my face blanching in unison. "Oh."

_This...  
Why now?_

With a subdued tone, he grabs onto the kimono a bit firmer. "I was so proud he finally gave this to me. The only one I really wanted out of all his battle gear, or so he called it."  
An awkward sigh comes out of his mouth. "Is it a sign that I wasn't able to wear it yesterday?"  
His head dips forward in disappointment.

"Akira…" I find myself saying, but I pull my hand away before touching him.  
Startled, he wipes his face but doesn't turn around. When he kneels down to his open luggage, I finally notice that he's in the middle of packing.  
"Aren't you just going to see Sensei? I thought I'd meet both of you there after practicing."  
Akira shakes his head and folds the kimono carefully in its expensive wrapping. "I'm going home. My next bout is in a week for the Shinjin-O so I have to prepare."

"I didn't know."  
"It was my plan until Father's collapse." He stands up to get his things from the bathroom while I pull a pen from my bag. I find myself unable to leave the room when he comes back out.  
"Do you need something, Ogata-sensei?"

Stab. _The impersonal way he says my name…_

"Nothing." Reluctantly, I leave and position myself in front of the Go board, but this time with my back facing the bedroom. Dazed, I robotically pull out the white stones and write the durations using my phone timer.

Akira comes out and carries his luggage out with his messenger bag. He stops at the door to place the luggage down onto its wheels. Holding onto the knob, he doesn't turn around. His solemn voice echoes off the walls: "I won't bother you anymore."  
Click.

_You were never a bother. You're my place of solace. _

I grab onto the sides of the board, restraining myself from wiping everything off it. Breathing heavily, I feel my eyelids burn.

_And I broke it._

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Steeling myself through another page, this time I'm the one playing a rhythm game with the stones: Up, down, left, right. Venting with every placement, I push further into his territory until a gust of wind flips all the papers over.

I come out of my trance, stamping my hand on the stack.  
"I'll make the notes later." Taking a picture of the board, I finally notice the time. "11:03."

Getting up and stretching, I slowly make my way to the bedroom to get my jacket and wallet when I notice _that_ kimono sitting innocently on his futon, neat as it could be.

_Why would you leave this with me?_

Piqued, I bend over and take it into my hands. Raising it to eye-level, it unfolds itself as I walk towards the window, but there's a small note in between the folds and it falls to the tatami. I ignore it, appreciating how well-preserved the kimono is. The smooth stitching tickles my fingertips and it still catches the light, embedding itself within the fabric.

_I never thought I'd touch this again._

Getting a hanger from the closet, I open the curtains all the way so that I can hang the kimono against the window, admiring how Sensei wore it and imagining how Akira would look in it.

After a few minutes, I pick up the note, eyeing Akira's small, line-perfect characters. Smiling dimly, I recall all the scribbles and drawings he used to give me.

"To Ogata-sensei,

I saw a recording of when Father wore this. He won his 3rd title with it, but never wore it again. Out of all his kimono, this was his favorite so I really wanted it.  
But I'll leave it with you for now. I'll take it back when I win our next official match.

From Akira"

Turning around, once more my index finger reaches out to stroke the fabric arm. "His favorite?"

_You really know where to hit me, and you don't even know why…_

_/The rain was pouring in flustering sheets so water sprinkled all over my clothes._

_I wiggled my umbrella at the entrance, more annoyed than ever by the weather and the fact that my mother forced me to run an errand inside Tokashimaya Department Store in Nihombashi. I was to pick up a custom pants suit she'd ordered.  
The fact that I had to come after summer school was no fun at all. Troublesome as it was, I ended up changing clothes at home anyway so that I wouldn't stand out too much since my hair already did that for me.  
On the way up the escalators, there was a special men's collection out on display. The showcased mannequin didn't interest me, but the kimono hanging two patterns away from it caught my eye. Equally spaced lines but with a splash of subtle light green almost fading into white. It was a tint I'd never seen before. In fact, anywhere. But I had no occasion nor any interest in wearing such things so I didn't dwell on it._

_But on the way down fifteen minutes later, I found myself looking over again. Shaking my head, I left, running up Sakura Dori to get to Tokyo Station instead of using the subway connected below. I could have used a taxi, but I never felt the need to rush to my house.  
I went to Kouichi's instead. He, like me, didn't see his parents too much. His mother came home late every evening.  
We hung out, but these days, he was playing videogames while I took over half of his room to play Go. For some reason, he didn't mind storing the foldable table in his closet for my use. I would study and in exchange, I cooked since he didn't know how to make anything except spaghetti. And then when Mrs. Seki arrived home, I'd say hi and go home._

_Three days later, my mind was still thinking about it. So I went back to the department store despite the rain pouring worse than before.  
As attractive as it was, the summer kimono still hung there unadored. _

_A kind attendant came to help me. She brought me over to one corner to hang it so that I would be able to walk around it. At first, it looked ordinary, but at full inspection, it was a superb balance of old and new, stylish but not gaudy. Overall a gradient lighter than bamboo, the even white stripes made a wonderful complement. But I leaned in closer to see that these were not straight at all, but small hints of bamboo stalk outlines. _

_It was beyond unique! This whole set wasn't manufactured at all, but hand-sewn. _

_Over the left shoulder, there were ten even vertical stripes while on the right shoulder, thinner stripes edged towards pale blue-ish diamonds. The sleeves, while even of course in length, had three sets of lines on the end of the shoulder, the elbow and cuff, both have contrasting line thickness. If the elbow had two centimeter white lines, then the other elbow was one centimeter. _

_The design was simply amazing: Provocative yet elegant in all the right ways._

_Without asking, I touched it, gently scratching the surface with my nails. It bristled wonderfully underneath my fingertips until I found myself grasping onto the material, feeling its threads scratch against my palm._

_No wonder. It's made of hemp cloth. You rarely see that these days._

"_You really like this one," the sales lady observed aloud._

_That's not quite it…_

"_I'll take it." Impulsively, it came out of my lips before the whole transaction cleared itself into my brain.  
_"_Would you like to try it on?"  
I pulled it up before me and under the lamps, the cross hatching irresistibly sparkled, almost translucent in its own luminescence. I knew why it called out to me…_

"_No, this is the right size."  
It's perfect. _

_As she was wrapping it after I'd paid, I was about to ask about mailing it. "May I-"  
_"_Yes Sir?"  
_"_No, never mind."_

_I walked over to Maruzin to pick up cardstock to go along with it. Later on that day, I ended up sending it without a return address and a note done with a felt tip pen. It simply said:_

"_To Touya Koyo-san,  
For being an inspiration."_

_Would it even reach him since I sent it to the Institute? I figured it would be handled like flowers given for celebratory reasons, a trinket in the mound of plenty. After all the hype he brought to the game, his popularity soared. In fact, he was in the process of obtaining his 2nd title while I was an Insei walking up the unsteady steps towards him. _

_I looked down at the pavement with hundreds of people rushing around me into the Yaesu Central Entrance of Tokyo Station while thinking of the long string of opponents I still had to conquer. _

_Why couldn't I get to him any faster?/_

When I'm about to put the note away, I find two words written on the back: "I'm sorry."

_Why are _you_ the one apologizing, Akira? _

Holding the note against my forehead, it tears me to shreds.

_I've never hated myself so much as I do now. His pride was one thing, but his heart was completely another. In one selfish move, I've damaged both. _

_What the hell have I done?_

Stepping away from the kimono, I put the note into my jacket pocket and head out to visit Sensei.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

When I arrive at the hospital, Mrs. Touya is out.

"I told Akiko-san to enjoy a little of the atmosphere here. She'll be back soon. I've been getting visitors since this morning. It's a wonder you didn't meet anyone on the way here."  
"I'm sorry Sensei. I know I should have come earlier, but I needed to take care of some things."  
As I sit in the chair closest to him, Sensei folds his hands. "Akira didn't look so well today."

_That is definitely my fault._

"He says he played you, but lost once more."

_Which 'game' is he referring to, Sensei? _

"He must be mistaken because he matched me." I lean uncomfortably back into the chair.  
Sensei's eyebrow rises slightly. "Oh?"  
"Sometimes, he can be too modest."

_I really want a drag of my cigarette right now…_

I can't seem to meet his gaze.

"Ogata-kun, do you mind slicing some watermelon for me?" He points to the table full of presents that I glimpsed at just a few seconds earlier.  
I get up and gesture to the multiple gift baskets trying to make light of the situation. "From which exactly…?"  
"Any."  
Taking the square-shaped one out of its plastic, I wash it in the bathroom along with the knife Mrs. Touya left. Apparently, he'd been eating the fruit little by little.  
"Thank you," he says when I hand him a slice. "Wouldn't you like some?"  
"No thank you."  
"I recall that these and mangoes are your favorites."  
Smiling to myself, I nod a bit. "Yes, but I ate a lot this morning."  
He eats quietly as I wait for him to address me. I have no idea what to talk about though. All the while, the cicadas outside play their symphonies with more gusto, matching the heat of the day.

After finishing, I hand him a wet tissue to clean his hands. "Bring over that white board over there."  
"Shouldn't you-"  
"Just bring it," he orders with finality.  
Whenever he gives that tone, there's no point in protesting.

Sensei draws lines in with a black dry erase marker. He chooses the blue marker (which is to be white) and hands over the black one to me. Somehow on this makeshift board, we have a match.

We don't converse for a while, the markers squeaking in place of dialogue.

"You too are distracted," he comments on move 42 while making a mark.

_So you did play with Akira before he left. I'm glad._

I say nothing. Excuses are wasted on this man. He'll never accept them.  
"Whatever battle it is, we have to pretend we will win it…" He watches my eyes, but his words hit directly into my chest. "Play it until we know there's no more."

_These were his exact words from our first time battling one another._

"You tell me that…" I place a black dot to the left of his last move.

_It's been so long, but I instinctively knew when I'd lost: The moment you crossed that street in Ichigaya._

"…but I knew the result no matter how much I fought."  
"You gave up since the beginning?" Sensei casually dots in his next move.

Instead of attacking, I freeze and put my marker down impassively. Averting away from him, I find myself watching the border that connects the white wall and the honey-tiled floor. "Why did I ever attempt this game?"  
"Ogata-kun…"  
Ptack. He caps his marker and puts it down on top of the board, placing them on the small stand between us. Reaching out, he also leans over to take the black marker from my hand.

"Akira-kun has been asking me why I play. I honestly don't know why he's asking me this now."  
"Isn't he grown up enough to question you?"

_I'm not ready. Last night proved that._

With my left hand over my right one, I look down into my lap. I suddenly think of when Sensei tested me, the first time we officially 'met' as competitors. I trembled so much inside that I thought I'd cry from one of the happiest moments in my life. But being unemotional, outside I appeared to be a rock, hard and distant. My feelings and facial expression were very disconnected. However, our match proved otherwise.

"Yes, of course…" A tinge of uncertainty stains my words. "But he's been asking me ever since we've arrived here. Haven't we been together long enough that the both of you don't have to ask me these questions?"

A flash of the kimono in the room comes to mind.  
Looking from side to side in anguish, I shake my head. "I'm sorry, Sensei. I don't mean to be rude, especially when you don't need this nonsense from me."  
But Sensei doesn't get mad or tell me to stop. It's so unlike him not to insist playing a game I've interrupted, let alone speak my mind that I'm confused all over again.

_Whether or not I like it, I can't help but be open to you._

He pats my shoulder and I turn to look at him as he tells me, "Isn't it time Akira should hear your reply now that he can understand?"

_But what else can I tell him? I'm not ready to lose you. Nor him on either side of the board we're playing on._

"Have you really analyzed how you play?" Sensei takes his hand away and folds it once more onto his lap.

_Why is he asking this all of a sudden?_

"Hmm? Strange, I just watched Akira-kun play past me against current me." I sigh.

_How like the both of you to pit me against myself._

"I never revealed to him how we played though from time to time, I've discussed with you about how he plays. Akira made his own conclusions. But I'm surprised that you haven't truly studied the way you are playing now."

_I didn't think I had to since we dissected everything in our group discussions. Privately, I overanalyzed until I'd put all my mistakes to death. Or so I thought…?_

For a split-second, the ends of Sensei's lips curve upward. He looks past me and through the sliding windows until he dozes off, not dismissing me as he usually would.

_You always let me do as I please despite your strictness. Maybe that's why the others were envious as well…  
In your own way, you spoiled me._

No one steps through the closed door as I look up to the ceiling. As I lower my gaze, I glance towards my left, viewing Sensei's face without scrutiny. I've watched the lines that came to that chiseled face, but I was there from the start. I guess I still see him that way.  
The aura that pulled me here remains unbreakable.

_/"So you love 'Go' more."/_

_Thank you for giving me this space, Sensei. For being able to express myself on the board. And right now, I can just say what I want without interruption, without your reactions to stop me._

"I've failed you, haven't I?"

_It's uncharacteristic of me to admit my weakness so blatantly. After all these years, it's not like my load lightened, right? You were one of the few consistent things in my life. That illusion of "home", I found it with you, your wife, and your son, didn't you know that?_

_But did you ever think of why I never left you? Of course not. Ever the diligent student, I'm sure deviating from the script would be presumptuous._

_The numerous tournaments. The drawn-out title matches. The insurmountable stacks of books I read. That remarkable kissaten where I couldn't deduce what tea you drank._

_Why did you cross my path with that damn gorgeous kimono?! I've been hypnotized from that powerful air about you ever since._

_I could have lived a boring life and followed my parents' footsteps with their ostentatious tastes and civil duties, but I looked across the street and found you._

_And you never figured it out. You never looked in my direction except on that board. Not that I expected you to, but there are times I wondered why I never made a greater impression on you._

_But if I must speak the truth now that I've spilled it all, Sensei, not even once…  
_…_I never regretted it._

I close my eyes painfully while the knuckles on my folded hands are all turning white.

_In Akira's case though, I fucked everything up…  
And it's more torturous than all the years of following you._

_Ridiculous as it may be, I still can't give him up. _

In between wind blowing in the cicadas' songs along with the thrum of vehicles dropping people off, and the shuffling steps and far off groans outside the door, I discover some sense of mental clarity.

_Well, I'm going now so you can rest. Thanks for listening._

Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes to find Sensei watching me.  
"I thought you were already sleeping." I clear my throat.  
"Before you go..." He gets the board and hands it over to me. "When you answer him, play as me on this."

My jaw drops as I take the whiteboard.  
"Don't worry. We'll see you in Tokyo." He gives me a hard stare before closing his eyes, finally falling asleep.  
"Thank you, Sensei." Bowing my head, I leave the room, closing the door hushedly after me.

That afternoon, I rush over to the ryokan, pack my things and head to the station to change my Shinkansen tickets to leave on the next express train.

After calling Mrs. Touya, I head over to my seat and study this new game within my grasp: Liberties left to me from the new life and death problem Sensei presented to me.

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note:** This chapter took on a lot more layers than I'd planned, but from the beginning of this fic, I'd wanted a flashback that referenced the kimono that Ogata-sensei bought but never wore.

There were so many moments I found myself tearing up because there are more facets behind Akira's personality shifting through Ogata-sensei's eyes and Ogata-sensei is slowly understanding how deeply Akira is to the existence of 'himself'.

I don't know why, but every time I finish a chapter for this fic, I feel relieved and accomplished. :)

Love,  
Yui

8/16/2020 1:31:13 PM – Los Angeles  
8/17/2020 5:31:13 AM – Tokyo


	11. Ch 10 - Voice

**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
Pairing: Ogata x Akira  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei.**

**chiisana yasashisa wo kure  
By Miyamoto Yui**

**Chapter 10 – Voice.**

The train station names don't register since I'm completely absorbed by the untouched squares of the whiteboard.

_What do you really want me to do with this, Sensei? How do I answer Akira when he doesn't want to see me right now? Even more so because this board involves you and me. _

_And play as _you_? Are you kidding me? _

My right index finger slides down the plastic border. Already plotting the next move, I go through my mental list of important matches, but I can't think of what he wants me to study within my own game.

_After all the work I've done so that he wouldn't repeat those words…_

_/Once again, he looked down at me with the full force of his intimidation trickling into my skin. He was right there in front of me and within arm's length! Instead of the screen at Shinjuku visually signifying the rapidly transforming city, we were sitting in a room of the Teian Museum trying to perfect a thousand-year-old game. _

_There was a special commemorative event sponsored by the Go Association and magazines for the title holders to play with Insei from all over the nation as an exhibition. Those magazines published at that time gave Go more exposure in not only Asia, but around the world. Sensei's humble acclaim also helped to spread it. _

_I don't know how, but I'd been selected as his opponent. It was one of the happiest and most nerve-wracking points in my life. I'd been wanting to meet him face to face to the point that I thought my heart would stop in the middle of the match.  
But as they were clearing the cameras and other recording equipment, we were still sitting before the Go board. Sensei said he would give his statement later and as he collected his thoughts, mine floated around, desperately trying to ground myself within the experience that ended faster than the snap of a finger. _

_I'd tried my best. This was the challenge I'd waited years for! But I felt no sense of accomplishment. He hadn't enjoyed the game with me. _

_What I couldn't understand was why he looked absolutely livid about it. _

_I think what exceeded his fury was the disillusionment emphasized in his silence. What had he expected of me?  
_"_Young man…" It was the first time he'd addressed me throughout the game and my ears perked up as he looked directly into my eyes. "…may I have a word with you?"  
Even though everyone had politely dismissed themselves from the room, it was only when he stood up that I realized we were alone. Everything had been cleared away and a moment's dream was gone.  
He gestured for me to follow him. I stiffly rose up and did so without question._

_We walked down the long hallway with intricate, metal thresholds and chandeliers done in the Art Deco architectural style, exiting towards the garden and all the way to a pond. He stood next to a stone lantern and observed the koi swimming through.  
It wasn't the most popular spot of the museum, but I found it breathtaking. It reminded me of my grandmother's home, the one who had given me the cup I treasured with all my life._

_Purposely choosing a secluded area, he averted his body away from me with his hands folded behind him. The light gray kimono with the white obi he wore complimented not only his arms, but the steadiness of his demeanor. It was stellar, but I still loved the one I'd given him anonymously._

_A brief smile came to my lips, but it wiped away the second his hands grappled harder. Behind him, like always, I crumpled inside. Being two and a half years older hadn't changed that. _

_Lifting up his chin, I followed his line of sight. The sky was bluer than the day I'd tripped and he'd smashed my heart with a single glance.  
_"_You cannot challenge me for a while."  
_"_Huh?" I'd finally spoken, my throat drier than ever._

_It didn't make sense though. From where I was standing, I'd rarely meet him in battle. I couldn't challenge him period._

"_Find your own Voice. Your own way of playing." It was harsh, but there were traces of compassion within his warning._

_Voice?  
I took a deep breath. He'd walked away before I could reply._

_Later that night, I'd gone over the match. Laying it out before me, I'd reviewed my mistakes three times, eliminating my weaknesses so that I could see other possibilities of how I could have played the game. However, in the middle of analyzing, I stopped midway and understood why he was more than infuriated with me (another trait I'd learn years later, coal burning red with fire until it smoldered into ash). I'd integrated his own plays and a reflection of his own mentality, but I was not his mirror. The play I'd been so proud of…  
It held no personality. Everything I'd done until then had been unoriginal, a poor imitation of all that I'd studied of his plays. It wasn't quite the pill I'd expected to swallow._

_I'd waited all this time to have a match with him only to find it began in utter failure._

_In the coming seasons, it was difficult to approach him whenever we met up at gatherings or the Institute. How could I talk to someone who said they'd wanted nothing to do with me as an opponent? _

_Was it truly a blemish against me though? Because after eleven months passed, for reasons unknown, he called me to study under him. I was his first student./_

**+/+/+/+/+/**

I don't even turn on the light to my apartment when I place my luggage in the genkan and lock the door in less than a minute. Taking the RX7 out of the garage, I head over to Akira's with that whiteboard on top of my messenger bag in the passenger's seat.

_He's ignoring my texts._

There is no moon out tonight, accentuating the blackness in between streetlamps of the side streets. I know it's very late. After all, it takes about 7 hours to get from Tottori to Tokyo by express trains.

Purposely overlooking the time to keep up my determination, I show up at their house uninvited. Getting out of the car, I debate on whether or not this can wait until early tomorrow morning.

_No, tomorrow will be too late. I don't know why, but my instinct says so._

I ring the bell and Akira's voice comes out of the brown speaker. "Yes? Who is it?"  
"It's me."  
No answer.  
"I won't leave until you talk to me."  
Still no answer.

A couple of minutes later, the gate opens and I walk inside, following behind him. Right after putting my jacket on a hook and my messenger bag down with the whiteboard at the genkan, it becomes a muted chase of him walking silently, gaining speed while I match it. Only certain lights are on and I mentally adjust to rarely being there at night, and never without Sensei and his wife in the house.  
But despite the circumstances, it still feels welcoming. For me, this is where I call home. Not that decrepit palace in Iidabashi .

We pass the den where we've always conducted our study sessions. It is set up, but the room is dim despite the door being slid open.

"Where are we going?"  
"My room. I'm packing."  
"Again?"  
In an exasperated voice, he explains, "I didn't sleep yesterday so I took a nap."

The hurried steps come to a sudden halt. "Only father and mother know, but I bought a mansion with my earnings."

_What? How come you didn't tell me?_

"So you go there when you need to concentrate on your matches. I do that. I have two other places. When I feel like it, sometimes I rent a hotel suite."  
"No, it's not for a retreat. That's my main residence. I've not lived here for a few months already."  
"But what about your morning matches? Our study sessions with your father?"  
"Of course I come to play Father before the start of the day." Amused, he lifts his hand to his mouth. "I don't live here anymore though I've not made it public. There is no need to."  
"I can understand that."

_I really do…_

_/"This…this is Mother's other residence, isn't it, Father?" I stood at the doorway as he sat quietly amid the mess of documents spread throughout the kitchen table. He held a cup of coffee in between his hands, making no motion to move or respond. I stared at his back and at the name-brand bicolor tie draped over his chair./_

He slightly turns his head my way, but stops himself and continues walking. At the end of one hallway, there is an open door. When I get to the threshold, I can't seem to cross it. He goes straight to his open luggage on the bed while I remain at the doorway.

As expected of Akira, it's spotless, but unlike a teenager, it's bare. His custom Go board is pushed against one wall. Above it is a single decoration: A corkboard with pushpinned notes upon notes, kifu and post-its of every size imaginable. It shows a vivid reflection of his mind: Everything has its place and it's all within his grasp. Even the "messiness" is color catalogued.

At his feet, there's a very large stack of papers on the floor with blue pen and red marker notations, but I'm not close enough to see what they are though.

Folding my arms, I lean against the door. "You didn't even let me know."  
"I'd meet you here. Isn't that enough for you?" Without holding back, his words clearly jab at me. "You don't need any other reason to see me anyway."

_So whenever I brought you 'home', you'd clearly go there afterwards._

It irritates me but he dismissively looks through certain folders from his desk and closet, taking out more stacks to pile into his luggage. Without any regard for me, he hunts around the room.

_He's stored plenty of papers and books here. Does this function as his office?_

Akira closes his luggage, but his hands remain touching the top. With his back facing me, I continue, "I do have reasons to see you. Whether or not you'd like to acknowledge them."

_There were many times I wanted to see you, but I had no excuse to. _

"Yes, of course. All roads lead to Go." He lifts his phone. "Your texts."  
"Of which you ignored."  
He places the luggage on the floor with the phone on top of it, and right in front of that stack.

_Now I'm curious about what's there._

Akira then turns around and sits on his bed with his wrists and legs crossed. Poised, his words dig under my flesh. "Don't I have the right? Why won't you let me have some breathing space?"  
"Your father gave me tomorrow's morning match."  
"No wonder you came here so quickly." He gives me an empty smile, eyes vacantly watching the floor. "I can't ever win against him, can I?"

Unfolding my arms, I stand up straight when he raises his head with a tear falling down his face and onto the back of his hand. Though seething, his voice cracks. "Why do you do this to me? You always have to crush me when I feel I've come closer to you."

Even if I want to, I can't look away. Those defiant eyes entrap me.

"Like the time that I became a pro and went up to you because I was so happy. But you congratulated me with cold eyes. At that time, I took a step back because I really was a child then. Now, I understand that you already saw me as a rival. You wanted me to realize that for myself." He shakes his head and keeps his eyes on me. "But this isn't the Go board, Seiji."

Feeling the blood rush to my head, I glare at him with my teeth clenching.

Gulping, Akira sighs shakily. "I already got the message when you stopped in the middle: You're a kid. Didn't I already apologize for it?"  
"For what?"  
"For forcing you to indulge me."

Something inside of me snaps and I finally lose all composure.

"Do you think that's all it takes? Because you've grown older? That you've moved out and established your profession? You may be skilled with Go, but there are experiences you have yet to master: The things we lack as people when we spent so much time on that board."

I leave my place and walk over to him. All the affliction I'd felt until then turns into scorn. I reach out to catch both of his wrists and press them deep into the bed. Akira falls backwards onto the mattress in astonishment.  
"Is this what you think will make you an adult to me?" I shake his wrists. "Do you have the right to call me by my name just because you killed me on paper?!"  
Even now, there's no fear in his eyes. Unable to touch my face, he squints, helplessly watching whatever expression I have on my face.

_It hurts._

"Because it takes more than that to 'force' me."

_Don't you hate me by now? Why aren't you trying to escape?_

I place my knee in between his legs. He takes a long drawn out breath as I lean my body closer.  
"Don't be so arrogant to think that you got me with all your penciled marks because I killed most of your stones in all of those papers. And just like you said, without you knowing.  
"Then you say you won't bother me, but leave me that kimono for our next match? What makes you think you've got that in the bag? That I'd let you win on the one thing that's never given up on me?!  
"So Akira, do you really have it in you to really seduce me?"  
Breathing heavily, I can't control the rage that's erupted.

"To be honest…no. " He struggles to hold onto me, tips of his fingernails scratching my knuckles. "When it comes to you, I have no confidence at all." Pausing, he searches within me. "After finding a woman in your apartment. After that time in 3rd grade when I'd called your phone and a girl answered for you so I pretended it was a wrong number. After finding perfume on your shirt at age ten. After finding a pink bump on your neck under your collar while studying for finals and competing?"

_You've really been watching me as I've been keeping an eye on you._

My lips become a thin line when some of my strength dissipates at having been discovered. "I thought I was discrete, but I guess not."  
"You were. I'm sure no one else noticed except me." His eyes pierce right into mine. Their honesty strikes through my resistance.  
"Then how'd you find out?"  
"Your patterns. You'd do it on certain occasions…Whenever Father was involved."  
"You've been really pushing on this since Tottori."  
"Because while you've been following Father's footsteps…" His fingernails press into my bones. "…I've been running after yours."

_Why do I feel elated by his words? But it's one step closer towards hell…_

My grip over his wrists loosens and Akira immediately links our fingers together with all his might. He is eerily calm.  
"Why?" I ask with a grave expression.  
With a softened tone, he replies, "I won't let you hurt yourself anymore."

A chill runs down my spine.

Akira brings his chin up and I feel the warmth of his tongue sliding down my Adam's apple as he pushes himself against my knee.  
"No, Akira, you'll re-"  
He lies back down onto the mattress. "Regret it? Hate me for this, but I won't ever regret it."  
"Then why'd you say sorry?"  
"Seiji…" His face blushes a deep crimson. It spreads to his ears and down his neck. Before, he'd said my name out of anger, but now, being fully conscious and conscientious of what he'd said, I visibly see the effects as he feels through them.  
He's been scared this whole time to call me by my first name.

_I've come undone._

Tilting his head to one side, his eyes plead, "Let me have my way just once."  
I stand up and he slowly sits up with a dismal face.

But I close the door and eye him, switching off the lights. He sits completely still, watching as I approach him. His hands reach out for my glasses, but I shake my head. "No. Show me your resolve."

My chest crystallizes, becoming stronger until it's ready to break. I watch him stand up on the bed and pull his shirt over his head, letting it drop to the tatami. Unbuttoning his pants, he slides them off and tosses them down too. What I do not expect is that he'd be wearing some form of fundoshi and I'm the one looking away. The fundoshi lands besides my socks.

His fingertips touch my cheeks, turning my face towards him. Looking down at me, he starts to take my shirt off, one button at a time. The tip of his tongue touches my sternum and goes down along with his fingers towards the bottom of the blouse.

_Does it all really lead to this?  
_I don't do anything. Even as he pushes it off my shoulders while sucking my tongue, I feel far from myself and shudder in disbelief when our lips finally meet.

_So this is how you ruin something: You watch it beautifully fall apart._

Going in and out of consciousness, my heart dissolves with my conscience ripping…

I exchanged it to find him leaning on his elbows and grabbing the sheets with my mouth kissing his spine. He breathlessly says my name over and over, saliva and sweat dripping down onto the sheets. Akira doesn't shout out, holding it all in and gasps quietly. Biting his lower lip, his back muscles contract. The sexiness stirs me to move in even deeper.

_I can no longer stop_.

In between the twisting agony, I make him lie on his back so that I can see his face. He tenderly brushes my hair to one side. As I look down at him, my sweat is indistinguishable from the tears...

_It'll never be the same._

He takes my glasses away and his shoulders tense up. Shivering, I know he's almost there, but like always, he touches my face, inviting me to kiss him. As I come, his entire body tightens.  
For a brief moment, his profile faces mine and it's intoxicating. I hold onto his hips and press as his whole body jolts upward, eyes closing from pain and arms wrapping around my back.

When he grins at me, I feel both melancholy and joy, constrained by all my future betrayals. But he presses his cheek against mine. His hand goes up the nape of my neck and through my hair, pulling the back of my head. For a few seconds, Akira's fingers linger on my scalp and then he whispers, "I'll never stop chasing you."

Savoring those words, I don't give him time to recover, but he doesn't protest. And I make love to him all over again…

**+/+/+/+/+/**

When I open my eyes, I reach out to the semi-warm, empty space beside me. Akira isn't there. He's not in the room at all.

My watch reads "2:02" and I sit up groggily to find his luggage isn't there either. So in the dimness, I dress up in a mental fog slowly clearing from dreaming, not quite believing what has happened. It's like waking up in the middle of a seductive song with its shadowed undertones.

_It all feels unreal._

When I take a hold of the doorknob, I leave the door open behind me, but I hear nothing. There are no traces of him anywhere as I walk through the lit hallway. The windows outside show the world still enveloped in darkness and it's a little comforting.

"Akira? Akira where are you?" No response.

The lights lead me to our study area. The room is bright, almost glaring.

I see my messenger bag next to the Go board in the middle. My notes on the kifu from yesterday and the white board are on a brown cushion right next to it. The life/death problem is set up perfectly on the board.  
On the other cushion where he would have sat is the stack of papers he'd been going through yesterday, the ones he blocked from my sight.

I sit on that cushion, putting half of the stack to my right side and half into my lap. Taking the first stapled set, I read the title, "Ogata-sensei - Match with me on 5/12/0X. So many notations..."  
Then I pick up the next stack and another, also with red marker on its borders.

Flipping through them faster and faster, reality and my past don't seem to penetrate in the realm of my brain. "10th dan matches, 9th dan matches, Gosei tournament 199X…"

_Why…why do you have all this?_

"Debut match. The Teian Museum Exhibition?" But there are even more papers under that. "You even have my Insei records."  
_How'd you ever get a hold of these?_

On the back of all the overturned papers are blue words written in fine point, careful and clean. Against my better judgment, I start to read them. They aren't just observations though. They're reflections of what he loves. What he would have done. His comments on what I did.

"2nd dan, Honinbou tournament.

He was fighting with Kuwabara-sensei even back then? That is kind of funny. But that part where he brought that dead group to life…brilliant. I wish I'd been able to see this, but I wasn't even born yet. It didn't matter that he lost on the third match.

How many times have I put my finger on move 83?

I wonder when he'll see me as an opponent too."

Looking for a match he'd been able to attend, I find the 7th dan one he mentioned to Shindou:

"7th dan, second match. Father and I watched this in the waiting room. As soon as Ogata-sensei set his black stone (now I know it's move 61), Father commented to watch the pattern he was creating, but nothing more than that. Even though his lips were sealed afterwards, I knew he was praising him.  
But it made me a bit depressed. The wall to climb over grew taller before me.

Every movement was subtly aggressive and haunting. I tried to recreate it at home so that I wouldn't forget.  
I truly admire him.

Father said my love of Go is my best trait, but I know Ogata-sensei loves playing as much as me."

The quietness starts to disturb me. It feels like he threw these memoirs at my face and stormed away.

_How could you follow the same path as me? And these are more than kifu...  
They're full of our life together through your eyes…_

I bring the 7th dan notes to my face.  
_How could I have ever known? _

Still holding onto them, I bring them down to my lap and face the life/death problem. It's been left on a standstill. He didn't attempt to play it.  
"Why?"

I lean in closer and see the tears all over the wood and stones.  
_He couldn't._

After a few minutes, I clear everything, wipe off the stones and board, and take his papers back to his room. Then, I fix his bed as best as I can and close the door.  
Going back to the study room, I open my bag to put my notes back inside, but there is a pink post-it. I glimpse at it and place it into one of the pockets.  
Turning everything off, I make sure that I leave their house as perfect as it should be.

As I drive away, I grip onto the leather steering wheel, the grooves making an imprint onto my palms. His last note gnaws at me: "Hikaru's waiting for me at home."

I don't bother to go back to my apartment and hide in one of my houses in Omiya, Saitama. But three days later, as the light enters through the six square windows on the third floor, my phone starts to ring. Because of the largely wide space, the sound bounces off the white walls.  
It's beside me, but I continue to practice for one of my upcoming matches. On a whim, I glance at it anyway and hear when it goes to voice message:

"I need to talk to you. Can you meet me at 2pm at Komagome Station today?"

Even though my phone says "Restricted" before the call ends, I know that voice is unmistakably Shindou's.

**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**

**Author's note:** This chapter really threw me for a loop. I've been waiting so long to transition into meeting Hikaru (the draft I wrote into a notebook was in June 2019) and to speak about Ogata-sensei's match as a teen with Sensei (I wrote the draft in August 2019 on the back of some scratch paper). And I was so excited to finally get to these two points that I found myself taking extra care with each individual part. (This fic is changing the way I'm writing…)

The confrontation with Akira is vastly different than I'd imagined (and originally planned), but I'm satisfied with it. It wrung me out though. These two have a dynamic that makes me obsess over them and the story at many parts of my day, even when I wake up (and find inspiration).

The further we go, Ogata-sensei unravels his childishness and Akira's maturity flourishes beyond the Go board.

Akira is adorable, serious, fierce and mature on the surface, but Hikaru and Ogata-sensei pull out different traits from him. He is my favorite character in Hikaru no Go, but I find his vulnerable, fragile sides endear him more into my heart. It's like hearing his image song "Kira" for the first time, still making me melt until now.

Thank you for reading this far! There's more to come…

Love,  
Yui

8/31/2020 10:42:51 PM – Los Angeles  
9/1/2020 2:42:51 PM – Tokyo


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